A Woman and Her Dog

My Shetland Shepherd, Ivy, got sick for a few days and decided she would decorate my hardwood floors with the contents of her innards. She is fine now, but the stench emanating from her posterior required her human to do the unthinkable: give her a bath. This required a bit of preparation, since she is endowed with a very long, very sheddy coat. After about 40 minutes of combing through tangles, leaves, dead grass clippings, and *ahem* dried bowel contents matted to her backside, I began to prepare for the coming dread.

Me: Ok, time for a bath, Ivy!

Ivy: (looks at me puzzled) I’m sorry, what is this that you speak of?

Me: Time to get you clean. In the tub. With soap and water.

Ivy: (comprehension dawns) OMG OMG OMG I’M GOING TO GET WET!!!

Me: (places her in tub of warm water) Don’t be scared, sweetie.

Ivy: WHAT MANNER OF FRESH HELL IS THIS??

Me: Calm down, it’s WATER!!

Ivy: THIS IS NOT ACCEPTABLE! YOU ARE DOING IT WRONG!

Me: (handles washcloth) It’s ok, don’t panic.

Ivy: Oh, ok… you got the washcloth. You may proceed.

Me: See? Just shampooing you and rinsing you alllll nice and calm.

Ivy: I…wait…. I CANNOT ACCEPT WATER IN MY FACE. MUST SHAKE NOW!!

Me: Oh for cryi— STOP THAT!!!!

Ivy: Ok, that feels bette–no, wait… MUST SHAKE AGAIN!!!

Me: STOP IT! I AM SODDEN, YOU STINKER!!!

Ivy: Ok, that’s fine. You may continue.

Me: You are so damn lucky I don’t dump this water on your head.

Ivy: You are so foolish, human. Do my bidding and finish drying me.

Me: (takes blow drier out) Ok, stay.

Ivy: OMG OMG OMG THE DRIER!! SQUEEEEE!!!

Me: Stop moving, you crazy mutt!

Ivy: (preening) Now this side, now over here, and don’t forget my tail.

Me: My lord, but you smell even worse wet.

Ivy: HURRY UP!!!

Me: Ok, done. Go to the living room.

Ivy: Are you nuts? I have to go outside so I can roll around and get this smell off of me.

Me: Not happening.

Ivy: CRUEL HUMAN!!! OPEN THIS DOOR SO I MAY GO OUT AND COME IN AGAIN.

Me: (grabs comb again)

Ivy: Hm….you know, the carpet looks comfortable. I think I will go lay on it.

Me: And I get to do this with Lenny tomorrow *sobs*

Yes, my life is awesome 🙂

Why Siths Should Never Watch Home Improvement Shows

It took me a long time to realize it, but it’s true. Siths should never, ever watch home improvement shows.It is hard for me to accept, but there it is.

I am not a fan of what people call “reality shows”. Seems like a fishbowl of drama and frankly, not real at all. That’s why I began to watch home improvement shows. People had the same problems I do: leaky roofs, bad insulation, Formica™. You watch to learn what wonderful improvements you can do to your home to update it and make it look Imperial. Who DOESN’T want a lightsaber sconce in their bedroom?? Or a Death Star light fixture??

Yes, I am making one of those. No, it’s not for me.

But then slowly it begins to seep in. You begin to realize that a lot of those so-called updates are for show and not for function. Anyone who knows me from the internet knows I am a big fan of bubble baths. You run hot water, add some scented bubble concoction, and sit back with a book and a glass of wine, or with the op-eds and a bottle of beer. Your own personal haven far from the madding crowd. Lately the trend in bath updates have been rather eye-catching: big stand-alone soaker tubs, rainfall showers with wall jets, bowl sinks, etc. And at first the Sith in you SQUEEEEs and wants it all like Alderaan burning. But the more you look at it, the more you start to see how impractical, how rebellious it is. Those stand-alone tubs hold almost no heat. The rainshowers feel like you are being waterboarded. The jets assault your sensitive areas when you least expect it. And those bowl sinks? Just try keeping them rebel scum free. The Force can only do so much and this is why Siths must be practical. Carrara marble? Nope, try quartz or stick with the passé granite. Better yet, go with cement countertops and steel-topped kitchen islands. Bowl sinks? Nope, try the old fashioned undermount for seamless and little grout care, or get the trough type that you can hose down (with little Siths, this is a necessity). Rainshowers? Stick to what works and has adjustable settings.

In short, after my blather above, Siths must not only be practical, they must also adhere to the aesthetics of the Empire. This is my mantra as I sit down to watch someone’s bath being crashed. The last thing I need to do is spend extra time handwashing marble tiles and shining chrome.

Though the coffeebar and wine fridge in the bath sound awfully Sithy. 😉

It’s Sunday, and I Should Be Cleaning but I Just Found Some Spray Paint and It Needs to Be Used

There has been a lot of upheaval in the house in the past two weeks. Consequently I have found lots and lots of paperwork that is A) worthless, 2) expired, and/or iii) in need of shredding. And y’all know what that means, right? It means I get to ignore it for a few days until I can come up with a plan that does not involve a lightsaber or conflagration. The HOA frowns on both. Until then, I need to start cleaning and reorganizing so I can rearrange furniture and free up space in the garage.

Some people keep their dining set in their garage, right?

Anyway, as I was cleaning up craft stuff in the garage, I came across a can of gold spray paint. Originally I had bought it to paint some wine bottles and decorate them in a country glam style for Christmas. And then I remembered my future SIL redid her guest bedroom and just needs some gold glam in it, so I’ll be using it on something today. Because a can of paint is a great reason to not do the bathrooms today, don’t you know.

So today I plan on writing (check), cleaning (a bit), shopping (for food), cooking, (for two), and painting (for fun). School starts tomorrow for Little One, so it’s important that I have a flexible schedule today in case she needs me during an absolute meltdown. And in case she needs to go through several wardrobe changes in preparation for the all-important First Day™.

*first meltdown has occurred*

Now that that’s over, we can continue to have a normal day.

Ish. 😀

Flowerdom

The main bath is being redone due to some water issues and a hankering for modern aesthetics. It won’t take long for the contractor to finish so there’s that. In the meantime, I have managed to get the new(ish) car registered and clean my bathroom, and to pass away the time since the noise level is rather high, I decided to make felt flowers, including cacti. Usually my thought process goes like this:

“Hm…. I think I will make some flowers.”

*cuts felt shapes, glues, makes flowers*

*looks at pile of flowers*

*wonders what to do with finished flowers*

*throws in basket*

*sighs*

Nothing is more calming than making sure you don’t pour hot glue on your fingers. So I have that going for me, which is nice 🙂

General Random Stuff That Makes Me Not So Happy

Sorry I have been absent from the blog so long. It has been a rather weird few weeks since school let out. I find myself making list after list of things to pack up and things to purge and things to finish and the only thing I have done is write the lists. So much fail, I know.

Yesterday I was in the checkout line at the grocery store wondering what to make for dinner even though I was actually purchasing food when I saw a little girl looking at the magazines on the rack. She was looking at some young actress who was on the cover with her hair blown away from her face, her arms at her hips, and her face a mask of what I can figure is “anger” (but most likely a product of “Pout for me, dahlink!!” from the photographer). And in what can only be described as sadness, I watched her pretend to be just like that glossy, unrealistic photograph: arms at hips, lips pouting, hair being tossed back. I hate those magazines. I really, really do. They are in the business of making every single woman feel UGLY!!! I have zero respect for a periodical that tells me I need to dye my hair and lose those pesky pounds or I will lose him and not get promoted to my dream job. We women are contrary creatures. You tell me I need to lose weight, and I will grab a quart of ice cream and eat it all while smirking in your face. And I will love every single spoonful!!

I went to make an appointment for my dogs to be groomed because I am far to busy making lists to do that, and when I whipped out my iPhone 3 to put the date in my calendar, the receptionist told me I should upgrade to a better phone. She told me. First, it isn’t anyone’s business what phone I own, and second, her name was not Graham Bell. I was a bit stunned at first, but then she went on about how new phone have better technology and you can do so much more with them. I politely asked what, and she informed me that Candy Crush and some muffin game were in HD now. I asked about GPS and she replied (and I kid you not), “I don’t play that game.” I took the opportunity to let her know I prefer a phone that is so outdated the NSA can’t track me. She asked if that was my parents’ service. I said yes and then just left. Honestly, I can’t even.

So that has been my week so far. I realize it is only Tuesday so there is plenty more that can possibly set me off like a firecracker, but I prefer to be positive and look on the bright side of things. Well, metaphorically speaking anyway, since another storm system is moving through here. And of course, Blue Bell™ is not yet back in production. This whole positive thinking is hard without Blue Bell™ and sunshine, so I’m going to stop rambling and go watch Ghost Whisperer and eat some yogurt. If that doesn’t work, five o’clock will eventually come around 😀

Idiosyncrasies

We all have them. Some of us have more than our share. Some of us only have a few. I am far from being classified as suffering from OCD, but there are times when my family questions the lack of diagnosis.

They never question it when it comes to housekeeping, though.

For example, I have to drink hot tea from a teacup, with a saucer. Not so with coffee, though. I can drink coffee from a mug or travel cup or straight from the carafe with no issues. But hot tea MUST be served in a teacup, with a saucer. Oddly, the saucer doesn’t have to match the cup in pattern. Sometimes it looks like I am hosting the Mad Hatter’s Tea Party around here.

Then there’s grocery shopping. I have to group all the boxed goods together, all the produce together, and all the cold stuff together. I am not Jewish nor do I observe the whole dairy-separate-from-meat thing. But I want it organized so the kid bagging my groceries does it right, as in TO MY SPECS. Not the store’s specifications, but mine. Because I absolutely loathe to have canned stuff in the same bag with a box. But I don’t care if the eggs are with the pasta.

And of course…..books. I love books. Reading is the cheapest way to have a vacation. Even though I have both a Nook™ and a Kindle™, I still fall back on the feel and the scent of paper. But one thing I will never do to a book, no matter how old, how worn, or how torn, is dogear the pages or break the spine. Ironic, seeing as I have NO PROBLEM folding pages to create book art. But while I am reading a book? I treat it with the reverence due a reliquary. I even use coasters when I put them down.

And those are but a few of my not-quite-OCD quirks. I know I am not alone. Maybe I should found a group for this and get some support from other quirky peeps. But if we serve hot tea, I’ll bring my own cup, with saucer 😀

Thursday Sithy

I may just end up in Hades for laughing so hard at Piano Man.

Trust me, it ain’t just you 😀

Have a great pre-Friday!!

Simple Observations on Southern Living

This weekend was full of surprises. I am not one who is fond of surprises, bad or good. But it’s an observation that the bad ones happen without consent, and the good ones always require planning.

In the years I have lived in Texas, the A/C unit has gone out a few times. And it is a solid observation that it always goes out during the weekend, when A/C repair is not available.

Iced tea comes with both sugar and ice. Though unsweetened is no hardship to order, it is an observation that you will be looked upon suspiciously by the server if you ask for no ice.

Country roads are narrow. Though usually two-lane roads, it’s an observation that it’s just a wide one lane road. One can drive down the middle, as long as A) you scoot back to you lane with oncoming traffic, and 2) wave as they pass you by. The latter is mandatory.

Wildflowers are abundant and pesky, in a charming way. It is an observation that a lady will always appreciate any flower picked for her over one bought randomly. It takes guts to go out and pick out flowers on the side of the highway instead of ordering them by phone. All Southern ladies know this. However, all will appreciate any and ALL flowers anyway.

Football is a big deal in the South. It is an observation that we will talk trash with each other over our teams, and in the same breath defend them to those outside of our state who know NOTHING about football etiquette. We can trash our own state teams, but it’s always State over Team*, any day.

Anyway, time for me to get going. It is an observation that my presence is required early in the kitchen on days ending in “Y”. That’s not a Southern thing. That’s a regular thing 🙂

*Except for t.u. That’s my exception and I’m sticking to it.

Peas Rattling in My Head

I’m sure I’m not the only one that is constantly attacked by a random, aimless thought, right?

RIGHT??

I’m sure the age old question of why hot dogs come in packages of ten whereas hot dog buns come in packages of eight has been answered. I doubt it was answered to my satisfaction, but at least there is an answer.

Still, some things just mystify me. For example, my friend Car in made an observation over at the social-site-with-faces about the penchant for some celebrities to name their children in rather odd ways. So far I am aware of one child named after a fruit, one named after a plant, and one named after a compass. I don’t wish to know any more. Celebs: Y’all are already famous. Why must you burden your progeny like this?

Also, am I the only person who thinks Guy Fiery looks like a Troll Doll?

Seriously, the guy (rimshot) can market himself as a Troll Doll with tattoos and spiky white/platinum/ silver hair and make himself a fortune. I would totally buy one.

I wish dandelions were considered an ornamental by my HOA instead of a weed that must be eradicated with extreme prejudice and Round-Up™. Or at least classify it as a food. You can make a salad AND you can make wine from dandelions. That is worth its weight in rubies alone.

Anyway, time for me to skedaddle and finish making dessert for tomorrow. Chocolate mousse is on the cards, and hopefully there will be a bit left over for Easter morning pre-breakfast celebration 😀

I May Suck at Blogging, But I Excel at Yorling

As y’all have noticed, I have lacked the will and the fluff to blog on a regular basis. My severe lack of happy is also affecting this, to the point that even Hubby has asked when I will get back to blogging. So you know it’s serious when he has noticed. Lately time has not been on my side, what with school stuff, work stuff, and itty bitty surgery (I’m fine, no worries). No sweets and no wine make Aggie a grumpy Sith, so what is left?

That’s right: YORLING!!!

For those who are new or don’t know the history of the term Yorling, it simply means whim shopping. Our blogger friend Mitchell over at Center of the Anomaly used to go by the nick “Enas Yorl”, and he is famous for whim shopping. He takes whim shopping to a serious level. Now, I’m not insane enough to shop for stuff I do not need. Mostly. But the other day I got a postcard from the Le Creuset™ Outlet advertising two wonderful things: a sale, and the new color, chiffon pink!!! And there on the bar was a Christmas gift card from my parents along with a birthday check from my parents ( I am lazy and wait until the last possible minute to go deposit anything), and on top of that, I had noticed an obvious lack of a large round Dutch oven in my collection. It was like Kismet and Karma decided to take some pity on me and align the planets and stars.

Meet Gigi, my 5.5 quart round Dutch oven. She is lovely, and is on display awaiting her christening this Sunday when she will be instrumental in making bread. Yes, you can make bread in a Dutch oven. I have a big French oval Dutch oven (heh, French and Dutch) but the round lends itself to more even heating. The best part of this was I had enough in my gifts and the sale that I only paid in the double digits. I count it as a win.

Chiffon pink…. cotton candy and fluff. And perfect for moi 😀