I’m a Movie Heretic, Not a Critic

I take pride in that. It came about as a result of working for a movie store back in the 90’s. We used to get the most obscure, random movies to stock, so I took the time to learn about them. In the course of “research”, I found I had a unique taste for the random and obscure. But I also discovered that popularity of certain celluloid art made them less…palatable to me. The more popular a film, the less likely I was to find interest in it. This didn’t apply to cinematic masterpieces such as Gone With the Wind, The Wizard of Oz, The Ten Commandments, Ben Hur, A Streetcar Named Desire, anything by Hitchcock, etc. Even more modern fare like Silence of the Lambs was fine. But there is a limit for me. Some things I will never bother watching.

Probably the one movie above all others that I will never watch is Top Gun. No, I am not sorry. From what I have seen online and in trailers and accounts, “Maverick” is a total jackass. I don’t care that he finds humility at the end of the flick. I don’t wish to see Navy pilots portrayed in such a manner. My dislike of Tom Cruise is but icing on that cake. If the role were played by Bruce Willis, I still wouldn’t watch it.

And y’all know how I feel about Bruce Willis.

And that’s not the only movie that’s off my list. I will never see Pretty in Pink, my love of John Hughes notwithstanding. I’m pretty done with Marvel and DC Comics films, too. The only exception I would make to those is Deadpool. And no Nicholas Sparks films, either. He wrote one book, and now just changes the title. But give me an odd movie and I am THERE. Who can possibly pass up the chance to see Manos:The Hands of Fate, or even Birdemic? One of my favorite sleeper movies probably has the record for the longest title: The Englishman Who Went Up a Hill, But Came Down a Mountain. It’s the story of two cartographers tasked to determine whether Wales’ highest peak is a mountain. When it falls short, the villagers begin to build it up, bucket by bucket. It’s based on a true story and honestly the film doesn’t do the screwball happenings justice.

And what are your picks for celluloid waste? 😉

Monday Sithy

My friend Tiberius found this and I had to snag it for my cover photo on a social site that lives in infamy.

Now for the debate:

Would Boba Fett be able to capture Predator and Alien? I mean, this is the guy whose dad was the “quintessential” soldier and cloned to oblivion and the so-called progeny couldn’t hit the broadside of an Imperial Cruiser from ten feet away. But Boba was raised by his dad, so he has that going for him, and that’s nice.

Feel free to discuss in the comments while I go clean the bathrooms 😀

Simple Observations on Southern Living

This weekend was full of surprises. I am not one who is fond of surprises, bad or good. But it’s an observation that the bad ones happen without consent, and the good ones always require planning.

In the years I have lived in Texas, the A/C unit has gone out a few times. And it is a solid observation that it always goes out during the weekend, when A/C repair is not available.

Iced tea comes with both sugar and ice. Though unsweetened is no hardship to order, it is an observation that you will be looked upon suspiciously by the server if you ask for no ice.

Country roads are narrow. Though usually two-lane roads, it’s an observation that it’s just a wide one lane road. One can drive down the middle, as long as A) you scoot back to you lane with oncoming traffic, and 2) wave as they pass you by. The latter is mandatory.

Wildflowers are abundant and pesky, in a charming way. It is an observation that a lady will always appreciate any flower picked for her over one bought randomly. It takes guts to go out and pick out flowers on the side of the highway instead of ordering them by phone. All Southern ladies know this. However, all will appreciate any and ALL flowers anyway.

Football is a big deal in the South. It is an observation that we will talk trash with each other over our teams, and in the same breath defend them to those outside of our state who know NOTHING about football etiquette. We can trash our own state teams, but it’s always State over Team*, any day.

Anyway, time for me to get going. It is an observation that my presence is required early in the kitchen on days ending in “Y”. That’s not a Southern thing. That’s a regular thing 🙂

*Except for t.u. That’s my exception and I’m sticking to it.

Thursday Never List

The other day I was grocery shopping when a gent asked my opinion on wine.

I was in the baking section.

I simply shrugged it off as just a passing thing, until he asked me what I  prefer to drink when on a date. I told him that HUBBY AND I prefer to drink whisky. He scooted off with a murmured “thank you ma’am”. Later, while at the check-out line, another gent asked if I was making Caprese salad for dinner (I had tomatoes, basil, and mozzarella cheese), to which I replied in the affirmative. He then goes on to exclaim how much he LOVES it and how he prepares it, and then offers to teach me his method of Caprese salad making. I seriously thought I was in the Twilight Zone. No one but acquaintances and friends and the cashier ever speak to me, and here were two men who were giving me grocery pick up lines?? And then I figured out why:

Yep, THAT is the shirt I was wearing. Men are simple, I guess. But that got me to thinking about truly horrible pick up lines. And honestly I drew a major blank, so I had to ask Hubby and other male friends. And the results were awesome!

Pick Up Lines to Never Use

#5– You’re so hot, you’re melting the elastic in my underwear.

After hearing that, I would pray for spontaneous combustion.

#4– Do you believe in love at first sight?

In a smoky bar with a disco ball and lasers and spotlights? If you do, you may need LSD to make things normal.

#3– You are beautiful. I am ugly. Let’s have average children.

I give this one marks for honesty.

#2– Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?

If an angel falls from Heaven, they are now serving in Hell. So you basically called her Satan’s minion.

#1- If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?

It only works for the Bellamy Brothers.

So that’s the list for this week. Hope y’all never have to hear any of these at the grocery store 😉

Book List Challenge

A few days ago, our blogger friend Nicole posted her list of personal book likings and dislikings. She took her cue from Lynn over at Violins and Starships, which should win best blog name on the interwebs. Anyway, reading books is something I love to do. I also love to make art out of them, but that’s for another blog.

1. Your favorite book: Soooooo difficult, but I really can’t pick just one.

2. Your least favorite book: In the last decade, that would be The Da Vinci Code. I wanted to throw it away by the end of the second chapter.

3. A book that completely surprised you (bad or good): Hm…. I would have to say I didn’t expect to like The Giver, by Lois Lowry. I read it since Eldest was assigned the book for school, and found it well-written, even for adults.

4. A book that reminds you of home: Postal de Tierra Adentro (Postcard from the Inner Land), by C. O. Padilla. Literally, a book about my hometown.

5. A non-fiction book that you actually enjoyed: The Monuments Men, by Robert Edsel.

6. A book that makes you cry: A Knight in Shining Armor, by Jude Deveraux. Yes, it’s a romance novel. But I found the concept of souls meeting again, instead of bodies, to be enchanting.

7. A book that’s hard to read: Ulysses, by James Joyce. GAH!!

8. An unpopular book you believe should be a bestseller: I don’t really know of any.

9. A book you’ve read more than once: All of them, except Pet Sematary.

10. The first novel you remember reading: The Secret of the Old Clock, by Carolyn Keene. Yes, Nancy Drew was my portal into the world of reading.

Thursday Never List

As y’all know, it’s Lent and I have a habit of giving up all sorts of things during the season, mostly to test my willpower. So far, I have been sticking to it just fine. The worst part is looking at my Lolita glass collection and knowing I won’t be using it for over a month. This is me for the next few weeks.

Over a month, people!!!

Sure, I can use one for a water glass, and probably will. But it’s just not the same. Little One offered to add food coloring to my water to make it look like a cocktail, but I declined. Her version of what looks like a cocktail is wildly different from mine. It’s not that I have a cocktail or glass of wine every night. It’s just that wine goes in a wine glass and cocktails go in a cocktail glass and water goes in a water glass. I don’t like messing with the order of things.

Anyway, I was looking at the cocktail board on Pinterest a few days ago and it gave me pause. There were some recipes there that called for some spirits best left in the Nether World, if you get my drift. I just don’t get how some people can drink some of the liquors and liqueurs out there. Seriously.

Liquor I Will Never Drink

#5– Chartreuse™

The color is named for its hue. Neither the color nor the taste is appealing to me.

#4– Ouzo

Tastes like oily rotted anise.

#3– Grappa

Fermented grape skins were violated in the making of that stuff.

#2– Jaegermeister™

It is a digestive aid. One doesn’t drink Mylanta™ for kicks, so why drink that stuff to get tipsy?

#1– Absynthe

If I want to take a trip, I will book one through a travel agent.

As far as I’m concerned, these liquors are best used in Molotov cocktails. Your mileage may vary, but I bet some of y’all secretly agree with me.

Especially on the Jaegermeister™ 😀

Thursday Never List

The other day I had the misfortune of jamming my nail into the back of a chair, causing the nail to bend back and rip from the bed in a very alarming, not to say painful manner.

I cried like a little girl. I admit it.

Once I took care of the bleeding and the whining, I went to look for a bandage to hold my nail down so that it wouldn’t rip any further.

Nothing in my medicine cabinet.

Nothing in the medicine basket in the kitchen.

Nothing in the first aid kit.

Finally I find a box of bandages buried under who knows how many empty bottles and leftover soaps and dried up nail polishes inside the kids’ bath cabinet. So, I am remedying that oversight today. And cleaning out the crap that has collected due to lazy kids.

Stuff One Should Never Be Without in a Medicine Cabinet

#5– Aspirin

Be all and end all of pain relievers, acne sufferers, and let’s not forget those with heart issues.

#4– Isopropyl alcohol

I have to make that distinction. Otherwise, people would stock Everclear™.

#3– Bandages

Blood is sure pretty, unless it’s your own.

#2– Bismuth solution

For every abdomen ailment. And it’s pink! BONUS!!

#1– Topical antibiotic

I must have seventeen tubes of Neosporin™, Lanacane™, and Bacitracin™ all over the house. And I’m of the opinion it’s STILL not enough.

Anyway, I hope y’all have a wonderful Thursday and enjoy the day not needing any of these items. I’m off to clean out the massive collection of crap under the cabinet. Here’s hoping none of it is radioactive by now 🙂

Blood, Sweat, and Tears

Also known as Valentine’s Day!

Sorry about skipping yesterday’s TNL, but I had to go downtown to pay the property taxes, which took HOURS since there was some sort of spill on the highway, which meant I had to take backroads that were scary enough to send me into prayer, and then arrive to stand in line among the living and the dead (they had been there so long), and finally, painfully hand over a cheque to the smiling young clerk. By the time I made it home, it was too late to make dinner, much less write a post.

And there ends my justification.

Anyway, back to Valentine’s Day. Around here, I don’t really celebrate it for myself as much as I do for the kids and Hubby. It’s not that I am jaded on the holiday. It’s just that loving someone shouldn’t require a specific day. But that doesn’t mean I don’t try to make the day special in some way. So here is a list of things one should never forget to do for their loved ones.

#5– Carry their burden

Big or small, physical or emotional, it doesn’t matter as long as you make it your own, even for a short time.

#4– Wash their hair

Or give them a foot rub, or massage their shoulders. Anyone that watched Out of Africa knows what I’m talking about.

#3– Be their harbor

No matter what the trouble, be there to offer them safety. You are their shield.

#2– Listen

No matter that it’s gossip or complaints, just listen to them. Usually that is all we want anyway.

#1– Tell them you love them

Sometimes we forget to do that. So don’t.

Anyway, I hope y’all enjoy today, be it in celebration of Valentine’s Day or because it’s Friday finally. I’m going with the latter 😉

Thursday Never List

Baby, it’s cold outside.

We were blessed with winter again. Hail last night, sleet this morning, and ice on the roads. And do you see me complaining?? Nope. Not one bit. Why? Because I could be in Pennsylvania or Michigan. By the same logic, I could be in Australia and enjoying summer. Glass half empty or half full? It doesn’t matter as long as there’s more wine to fill it.

Anyway, the weather got me to thinking. Yes, sometimes the synapses fire off. Living in Texas, we tend to enjoy mild winters for the most part. But we do get our share of ice and sn*w. And that’s when we step into the Outer Limits™ because apparently three sn*wflakes can shut down the area. However, there are some steps we in the South can take to be ready for the unforeseen.

Winter Gear to Never Do Without

#5– Head covering

A hat, a scarf, anything that would keep your body heat from dissipating out through your head is necessary. Unless you like tears freezing on your cheeks. Then that’s ok.

#4– Ice scraper

Nothing worse than cracking your windshield while pouring hot water over the ice. Not good at all.

#3– Sand

In case of ice or slush, or kitty litter is good too. Also good for your enemies gas tanks. So I hear.

#2– Extra socks

Because you never know if that icy patch is solid.

#1– Blanket or throw

If ever you are stuck and need warmth, or for visiting your inlaws who think 45* F is breezy and healthy for you. You can never have too many throws. Ever.

Just a disclaimer: I am from Puerto Rico, and reside in Texas. I am more than sure EVERYONE north of the Mason-Dixon line has better advice, so please do chime in 🙂

Thursday Never List

I still remember the excitement of going to visit my cousins when I was younger. Usually going to San Juan meant an overnight trip, so my mom got to pack the bags and make sure we had everything we could possibly need without taking the kitchen sink.

Although there was this one time we did have to take the kitchen sink, because my uncle was going to use it in his work shed. But that’s another story.

You may think that packing a bag or a suitcase requires no skill, but you would be wrong. You aren’t using Mary Poppins’ carpetbag, which means you have a finite amount of space to use so you have to pack accordingly. However, there are some things one should never do without when doing an overnighter.

Never Leave Home Without It

#5– Toiletries

Specifically, toothpaste, shampoo, and deodorant. You can do without everything else, but these are non-negotiable.

#4– Extra socks

No one likes sweaty feet.

#3– Pain medication

Better safe than tripping on someone else’s meds.

#2– Sweater or light jacket

I don’t know of anyone that has been able to predict the weather correctly. Ever.

#1– Reading material

Just because you are visiting someone, doesn’t mean you have to be a Chatty Cathy. And nothing works as a shield better than reading some deep literature, like Zen, and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance. Tried and true.

And with that, I’m off to get medicated against the pollen count, put on an extra pair of socks so my toes don’t break off from frostbite, and hope to Hades I don’t need to clean the mouse cage. Have a good one! 🙂