Paint Can + Fighting Dogs / Fuzzy Slippers = Giant Mess

There are days when a cup of coffee is enough to get me going. Of course, today was not one of those days. Two cups apparently were not enough, either. This is how my day developed….

I completed the coffee ritual and began to take stock of the mess on the kitchen table. I had recently finished making some pincushions and still had the accoutrements scattered around looking like an art exhibit from the MOMA. Anyway, I took some of the stuff out to the garage, and as I was passing the hall bathroom, I noticed the little accent table I had acquired for the nook in the bathroom. It was in need of a quick sanding, so I went back to the garage and gave it a once-over, and brought it back into the kitchen, along with a quart of French Linen chalk paint. I wiped it down and let it dry as I took the rest of the crap to the garage or to the study-slash-catchall room.

(Yes, I have a lot of crap in the study and garage and hopefully it will be out of the house once the vendor spot opens in mid November *sobs quietly*)

Moving on, I get the table set up on the floor and open the can, a full quart of the loveliest dun color ever. I set it on the lowest shelf and begin to paint. Meanwhile, my dogs wander over to see what I am doing, since the scent is different from dog food and leftovers and Sonic tatertots. As they jockey for position to get as close as possible to me without having to deal with the scent, Lenny the big dog steps on Ivy the little dog, which makes Ivy irate and forces her to strike back in the only manner she can: using her itty bitty canines and jump at Lenny’s throat. Well, Lenny does NOT like that and turns to snap back at Ivy, which makes Ivy jump more at Lenny and causes Lenny to swing her body around and hit the table, knocking the paint can to the floor.

“GOOD LORD!!! YOU DOGS!!! LOOK AT WHAT YOU DID!!! NO!!! GET AWAY!!! GO TO YOUR SPOTS NOW!!! STOP TRYING TO LICK THE PAINT, YOU IDIOTS!!! AND STOP TRYING TO LICK ME WITH THE PAINT!!!”

Yeah….so, I hurriedly shooed them out the backdoor and scooped up as much of the paint as I could. Thankfully is it relatively thick paint so I recovered quite a bit. And being one to not waste not, I simply used the rest of the spilled paint to finish painting the first coat. One thing about chalk paint: clean up is easy. I just wiped the floor clean with a wet rag and scrubbed the grout with a toothbrush. Once I was done, I washed the paint out of my clothes, and then went and showered again, because somehow I had paint in my hair. Aggie’s Axiom #18: no matter what I am painting, or how much I cover my hair, paint will eventually get on it and usually towards the back thus defying explanation.

So yes, that was my morning, and rest assured several lessons were learned here:

• Never rely on one cup of coffee
• Make sure to corral the dogs before starting to paint
• Avoid doggie drama and paint outside

Tomorrow is a new day, and I have a new bag of coffee waiting for me 😉

A Woman and Her Dog

My Shetland Shepherd, Ivy, got sick for a few days and decided she would decorate my hardwood floors with the contents of her innards. She is fine now, but the stench emanating from her posterior required her human to do the unthinkable: give her a bath. This required a bit of preparation, since she is endowed with a very long, very sheddy coat. After about 40 minutes of combing through tangles, leaves, dead grass clippings, and *ahem* dried bowel contents matted to her backside, I began to prepare for the coming dread.

Me: Ok, time for a bath, Ivy!

Ivy: (looks at me puzzled) I’m sorry, what is this that you speak of?

Me: Time to get you clean. In the tub. With soap and water.

Ivy: (comprehension dawns) OMG OMG OMG I’M GOING TO GET WET!!!

Me: (places her in tub of warm water) Don’t be scared, sweetie.

Ivy: WHAT MANNER OF FRESH HELL IS THIS??

Me: Calm down, it’s WATER!!

Ivy: THIS IS NOT ACCEPTABLE! YOU ARE DOING IT WRONG!

Me: (handles washcloth) It’s ok, don’t panic.

Ivy: Oh, ok… you got the washcloth. You may proceed.

Me: See? Just shampooing you and rinsing you alllll nice and calm.

Ivy: I…wait…. I CANNOT ACCEPT WATER IN MY FACE. MUST SHAKE NOW!!

Me: Oh for cryi— STOP THAT!!!!

Ivy: Ok, that feels bette–no, wait… MUST SHAKE AGAIN!!!

Me: STOP IT! I AM SODDEN, YOU STINKER!!!

Ivy: Ok, that’s fine. You may continue.

Me: You are so damn lucky I don’t dump this water on your head.

Ivy: You are so foolish, human. Do my bidding and finish drying me.

Me: (takes blow drier out) Ok, stay.

Ivy: OMG OMG OMG THE DRIER!! SQUEEEEE!!!

Me: Stop moving, you crazy mutt!

Ivy: (preening) Now this side, now over here, and don’t forget my tail.

Me: My lord, but you smell even worse wet.

Ivy: HURRY UP!!!

Me: Ok, done. Go to the living room.

Ivy: Are you nuts? I have to go outside so I can roll around and get this smell off of me.

Me: Not happening.

Ivy: CRUEL HUMAN!!! OPEN THIS DOOR SO I MAY GO OUT AND COME IN AGAIN.

Me: (grabs comb again)

Ivy: Hm….you know, the carpet looks comfortable. I think I will go lay on it.

Me: And I get to do this with Lenny tomorrow *sobs*

Yes, my life is awesome 🙂

Obsession is 9/10ths of the Paw

This past weekend I was lucky to host my brother and his lovely fiancée, along with Bradie the dog. She is my brother’s dog, but his fiancée is her human. Y’all know how it goes. Just as Lenny is Eldest’s dog, but I am her human. I think that is the most endearing quality of a canine. They claim a person as their own and there is NOTHING you can do to influence them out of it.

The same can be said about some people and fantasy football, but I digress.

Anyway, what made it interesting was the fact that they look so much alike we could barely tell which dog was which, unless they faced us. Lenny has a white patch on her chest, whereas Bradie is solid black. The dogs had a great time going after each other as alphas are wont to do, but their humans were not as pleased. And of course, getting confused as to which dog was which sometimes made them look at us like we were stupid, with head tilted and ear cocked for emphasis. All in all it was awesome, and now I understand what coveting really means.

I want that dog.

I want her with the burning power of a thousand Betelgeuses to seven orders of magnitude, times eleventy. And why do I want her? Because she is just like my Lenny. And you can NOT have too much of a good dog. You just can’t.

So be on notice, my brother. I will get your pretty dog, too 😀

 

When It Rains, You Get Lemons

This morning I woke up to a nice rainstorm. It was a welcome relief after a rather dry-as-dust-on-Mars August. Of course, that means that drivers out in these parts will be freaking out and acting accordingly. It’s a good thing it seldom snows here. Seriously, the city has shut down over a light dusting of snow before. A dusting that evaporated 20 minutes later. But to give us some credit, we sure know how to drive on highways.

The only bad thing about getting rain is my dog. Lenny, the Labrador mix, doesn’t like getting wet or walking in puddles. This means that sometimes I have to carry the dead weight of a 55 lbs. dog to the lawn and hold her in place until she “goes”. And let me tell you, it is difficult to hold down a dog that wants NOTHING to do with a wet lawn. And you can forget about carrying an umbrella. It’s either managing the dog, or keeping dry. Can’t have both. That means usually I am soaked. Sometimes that gets on my nerves. Now I just take it in stride, because when life hands you lemons, you can then go have some limoncello, right?

Italian Lemonade

• 2 parts Limoncello
• 1 part Vodka
• 2 parts Sprite®
• 1-2 parts Sweet and Sour mix
• Mint and lemon for garnish

Pour the first three ingredients into an ice-filled highball glass and stir. Add the sweet and sour mix to taste, and garnish with mint leaves and a lemon slice. This is a great drink with which to toast the end of Summer. Or as we in Texas prefer to call it, Summer v. 1.0.

At least it isn’t pumpkin spice, right?? 😀

Conversations With the Sheltie

She’s not technically my dog. But that doesn’t stop her from acting like it.

Every morning it’s the same conversation. I get up, and she jingles over to my door in expectation that her mistress will cater to her needs. I give her some kibble, and after she inhales it she runs over to the door and barks her command.

“YIP YIP, YIP!!!”

(Open the door, NOW!!)

Once she is done, she lets me know, again…

“YIP!!”

(I’m DONE!!)

Then she waits patiently for 7 AM. Why? Because Son’s friend comes over to pick him up.

“YIP!! YIP YIP YIP YIP!!! YIP YIP!!”

(OMG!! YOU’RE HERE!! YOU’RE HERE!! MOM, SHE’S HERE!!)

Then Hubby makes an entrance into the kitchen, and she shuts up. She knows better than to rile him early. But once he walks out to the car, she starts up again.

“YIP YIP YIP!! YIP YIP YIP!!”

(There is a person WALKING OUTSIDE!!!)

Whereupon she runs away from any perceived threat, yipping like she has new vocal chords. It’s a good thing the house quietens down after a while. I would hate to do impromptu surgery on a dog. 😀

Tuesday Sithy

Today finds me in a weird mood. Ever have so much going on, so much to do, that you don’t know where to start?

Yes, I’m there. Ok, I’m there all the time, but I seem to have reached maximum capacity for this stuff.

So I better get going, if I’m to have a chance to finish anything today. Here, have a great Sithy.

GOOD DOG!!!!! 😀

Have a great one!

Getting Dirty

Heh, fooled you with that title, didn’t I? Well, I am clearing the garden today, and relocating those white rocks in the flower beds, and whacking major shrubbery.

But not with a herring.

As low maintenance as our backyard is, the dogs tend to wreak their own special kind of havoc by running in the flower beds while barking at the dogs on the other side of the fences. Consequently, all the gravel and pretty pebbles get displaced. If it were up to me, I would have all that taken out and replaced with MOAR DURT!! But it’s too costly of a project to undertake at this time, so we stick to maintaining it. Hopefully one day we will set up a hammock for nice summer evenings. Along with fifteen bug zappers.

Can’t take chances with insects around here. Not when they can carry you off 😀

Double Takes

This morning I had to take Son over to school for the annual ROTC Field Day. It was early so not a lot of traffic about, but plenty of people walking their dogs. And as I drove by one lady, I had to do a double take. She looked a lot like her dog. Or rather, the dog looked a lot like her. It’s a toss up. The tragedy of it is, it was a little pug. And the lady did not look all that happy, at all.

At first I thought that was just a fluke, and then I saw a man jogging with his dog. He had an English Shepherd, and his salt and pepper mane matched his dog’s. It was hypnotic to watch their hair bounce rhythmically.

But then it got me to thinking…. I have two dogs, one of which is “mine”. She is a Lab/ Staffordshire mix. The other one is a Shetland Sheepdog, also known as a Sheltie. The big dog is a sweetheart, calm and friendly and just lovable, with a short, black coat. The little dog has a wild mane of hair, and constantly barks at anything, runs around for no reason, and thinks it’s a princess.

I weep in the knowledge I don’t look like my dog. But I take heart. It could be worse.

I could own one of these:

And now I need to get creme for my age spots.

Have a great Saturday! 😉

En Guarde

Yesterday was a glorious day. The high was 86* and the sun was shining and the geese were beginning their flights back to the Great White North.

Weather in Texas is only constant in the Summer. In the Winter, it’s a crap shoot.

Early this morning, I awoke to the sounds of the wind rustling the trees and the screens, which meant a cool front was moving through (it’s a cold front for us when the temperature drops to the 60’s, but for my readers northward, I will just stick with “cool”). Anyway, I get up and begin my rounds of coffee-making, kid-waking, and garbage-gathering, when I hear the wind topple something outside. And that meant the dogs had to bark at it.

WOOF YAP WOOF YAP YAP!!

YAP WOOF YAP YAP WOOF!!

That’s what you and I would hear.

This is what it translates to:

HEY MOM!!

SOMETHING FELL OUTSIDE!

YOU SHOULD CHECK IT.

JUST FYI…

I go over to the backdoor and open it, so they can go make sure things are fine (it was a chair that was blown over). And what do they do?

They stand away from the door, and look up at me as if to say, “MOM, OUR JOB IS TO WARN YOU. YOUR JOB IS TO TAKE CARE OF WHATEVER IS OUT THERE.”

They may not be the greatest guard dogs, but they keep us happy 🙂

Sithy Awesome

My friend The Glorious Lemur King sent me this on advice of his better half, Cruel Wife.

Because you can never have enough lightsabers.

You can, however, have enough flying squirrels.

Have a great Tuesday!! 😀