A Woman and Her Dog

My Shetland Shepherd, Ivy, got sick for a few days and decided she would decorate my hardwood floors with the contents of her innards. She is fine now, but the stench emanating from her posterior required her human to do the unthinkable: give her a bath. This required a bit of preparation, since she is endowed with a very long, very sheddy coat. After about 40 minutes of combing through tangles, leaves, dead grass clippings, and *ahem* dried bowel contents matted to her backside, I began to prepare for the coming dread.

Me: Ok, time for a bath, Ivy!

Ivy: (looks at me puzzled) I’m sorry, what is this that you speak of?

Me: Time to get you clean. In the tub. With soap and water.

Ivy: (comprehension dawns) OMG OMG OMG I’M GOING TO GET WET!!!

Me: (places her in tub of warm water) Don’t be scared, sweetie.

Ivy: WHAT MANNER OF FRESH HELL IS THIS??

Me: Calm down, it’s WATER!!

Ivy: THIS IS NOT ACCEPTABLE! YOU ARE DOING IT WRONG!

Me: (handles washcloth) It’s ok, don’t panic.

Ivy: Oh, ok… you got the washcloth. You may proceed.

Me: See? Just shampooing you and rinsing you alllll nice and calm.

Ivy: I…wait…. I CANNOT ACCEPT WATER IN MY FACE. MUST SHAKE NOW!!

Me: Oh for cryi— STOP THAT!!!!

Ivy: Ok, that feels bette–no, wait… MUST SHAKE AGAIN!!!

Me: STOP IT! I AM SODDEN, YOU STINKER!!!

Ivy: Ok, that’s fine. You may continue.

Me: You are so damn lucky I don’t dump this water on your head.

Ivy: You are so foolish, human. Do my bidding and finish drying me.

Me: (takes blow drier out) Ok, stay.

Ivy: OMG OMG OMG THE DRIER!! SQUEEEEE!!!

Me: Stop moving, you crazy mutt!

Ivy: (preening) Now this side, now over here, and don’t forget my tail.

Me: My lord, but you smell even worse wet.

Ivy: HURRY UP!!!

Me: Ok, done. Go to the living room.

Ivy: Are you nuts? I have to go outside so I can roll around and get this smell off of me.

Me: Not happening.

Ivy: CRUEL HUMAN!!! OPEN THIS DOOR SO I MAY GO OUT AND COME IN AGAIN.

Me: (grabs comb again)

Ivy: Hm….you know, the carpet looks comfortable. I think I will go lay on it.

Me: And I get to do this with Lenny tomorrow *sobs*

Yes, my life is awesome 🙂