Thursday Never List

The other day I was grocery shopping when a gent asked my opinion on wine.

I was in the baking section.

I simply shrugged it off as just a passing thing, until he asked me what I  prefer to drink when on a date. I told him that HUBBY AND I prefer to drink whisky. He scooted off with a murmured “thank you ma’am”. Later, while at the check-out line, another gent asked if I was making Caprese salad for dinner (I had tomatoes, basil, and mozzarella cheese), to which I replied in the affirmative. He then goes on to exclaim how much he LOVES it and how he prepares it, and then offers to teach me his method of Caprese salad making. I seriously thought I was in the Twilight Zone. No one but acquaintances and friends and the cashier ever speak to me, and here were two men who were giving me grocery pick up lines?? And then I figured out why:

Yep, THAT is the shirt I was wearing. Men are simple, I guess. But that got me to thinking about truly horrible pick up lines. And honestly I drew a major blank, so I had to ask Hubby and other male friends. And the results were awesome!

Pick Up Lines to Never Use

#5– You’re so hot, you’re melting the elastic in my underwear.

After hearing that, I would pray for spontaneous combustion.

#4– Do you believe in love at first sight?

In a smoky bar with a disco ball and lasers and spotlights? If you do, you may need LSD to make things normal.

#3– You are beautiful. I am ugly. Let’s have average children.

I give this one marks for honesty.

#2– Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?

If an angel falls from Heaven, they are now serving in Hell. So you basically called her Satan’s minion.

#1- If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?

It only works for the Bellamy Brothers.

So that’s the list for this week. Hope y’all never have to hear any of these at the grocery store 😉

How to Handle a Busybody

This is turning into How-To Week, isn’t it?

Yesterday, I took Son to the dentist for his biannual cleaning. Since I usually wait for the kids, I decided to take a book to alter to keep myself occupied and entertained. It’s therapeutic, and makes time pass rather quickly. Now, most people tend to ask what I’m doing out of curiosity, and they are pleased with the way the book turns out. But one lady yesterday was not so happy.

As I sat there folding pages, she came and sat one chair away from me (observing the personal space rule of waiting rooms), and decided to engage me in a debate of sorts.

Lady: You know you are destroying a book, right?

Me: I’m sorry?

Lady: You are destroying a book. You shouldn’t do that. That’s like banning or burning it!

Me: How am I destroying this book?

Lady: Well, you are folding it and now no one can read it.

Me: No one was reading it. This book was being tossed out in the recycling bin by the thrift store because no one wished to purchase a mass market romance paperback from 1974. It was destined to be mulched and re-purposed as kindling as a fake log. I thought it would be far more kind to alter it into a pretty sculpture that one can pull apart and read IF one is curious enough to do so. I have not desecrated the words with fire or with censorship in any way. I’m simply giving this poor book a new chance at life.

Lady: Well, it’s still wrong to treat a book that way.

Me: So you would rather it be burned as a fake log than be someone’s little literary surprise? Who is burning books now?

Lady: You don’t understand…

Me: I understand perfectly well. You see a book as an object with one purpose in life. I see it as something to be treasured in all forms. We can differ in opinion but you can’t force your opinion on me, just as I can’t force my opinion on you. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I would like to finish this before my son is done.

Lady: ……………

Me: *goes back to folding*

She eventually moved to the other side of the waiting room. I could feel her disapproving glances as I continued to fold, which made me smile all the more. Perhaps I was a bit mean, but apparently the lady forgot that one should never, ever judge a book by its cover 😉

Thursday Never List

Wow, look at this! Three posts in a row!! WHOO HOO!!

Yesterday, I was in a conversation with blog friend Tiberius over at the social-site-with-faces, complaining about how I never finish folding my laundry because I hate, hate, HATE folding underwear and socks. I despise it with every fiber of my being.

Tiberius: Caught up on all the washing backlog?

Me: Ugh, sorta.

Tiberius: What happened?

Me: One load left to fold and I hate doing socks and underwear.

Tiberius: You don’t fold socks and underwear do you?

Me: I do!

Tiberius: Why??

Me: ………………………..

My mom trained us to fold everything. Heck, she even ironed my dad’s boxers. She was militant about folding things correctly. And by “correctly”, I mean “her way”. Yes, even fitted sheets.

Things One Should Never Bother Folding

#5– Hosiery

Socks, pantyhose, stockings… as long as you pair them, you’re good to go. Unless your sock drawer looks like former President Bush 41’s colorful array. Then you shouldn’t even bother with pairing them.

#4– Placemats

I understand folding napkins, but placemats??

#3– Long-sleeved T-shirts

Sure, short sleeve T-shirts are easy to fold if you choose to fold them. But long sleeved? I feel like I’m constructing an accordion.

#2– Undies

Disclosure: I do. But I was kind enough to tell my kids they could just lay them out flat, or throw them in the drawers as long as they did their laundry, and they were clean. You have to pick your battles.

#1– Fitted sheets

Sigh…. I know how to fold a fitted sheet. My mother taught me, and I learned the Martha Stewart way, as well. But what is the point?? Even if you wad it up into a ball, you end up stretching it over the mattress and that takes care of all the wrinkles! GAH!!

So that’s my Never List for today. To fold or not to fold, that’s not the question. The question is, what to do with the extra time?? 😉

*Pokes Blog*

Yes, blog is still here. I took a long weekend off from blogging anywhere. I was a bit rundown, and needed to recharge. There was also the question of cleaning house which had been ignored needed to be addressed. I also managed to address some book folding and some shopping.

Wedding gifts do not purchase themselves. Ask any woman.

Today is April Fools’ Day, and I find myself wondering why we designate only one day for that. In my opinion, designating a month for it is still not long enough. On the other hand, at least I don’t live in France and have to deal with someone trying to adhere a fish to my back. There is always a silver lining. In my case, the silver lining is usually aluminium. Which is fine, because it’s great for cooking.

There’s a lot of rambling in my head today.

Actually, there’s a lot of rambling in my head every day. The sad part is, the absence or presence of booze doesn’t have anything to do with it. So I have that going for me, right? RIGHT?? Don’t answer. I don’t think my ego can take it. At least not until I’ve had my third cup of coffee. Which is probably the reason I ramble so much. Viscous circles, you know.

(I interrupt this not-so-regularly scheduled post while I take Son to get braces. Highlight of day: accomplished!)

So today finds me being a bit domestic, making braised chicken a la Provence, baking bread, organizing stuff to donate, and listening to Vivaldi, at least until Little One comes home and turns on Futurama, or some gameshow. All I know is she thinks she is master of the remote. So with that, I finish rambling and go off to finish making dinner while pretending the glass of water is a glass of wine.

I’m not just good at rambling. I’m good at dreaming, too 😀

When Worlds Collide

I love being a geek. I cannot express the joy I get when science fiction characters are assimilated into a smash-up of epic proportions.

Today is the birthday of one of Science Fiction’s most revered icons, none other than the original, and best evah, Captain Kirk.

WILLIAM SHATNER!!!

I saw that photo* on the social-site-with-faces and SQUEEE’d!! How epic is it to find the captain of the U.S.S. Enterprise being “escorted” by Stormtroopers?? That made my whole week. Happiest of days to Captain T.J. Crane!! (See what I did there??)

Hope y’all have a long and prosperous weekend 😉

*Special hat tip to my friend, Mr. Fixit 😀

Thursday Never List

There is a time to every purpose under Heaven, right?

Take washing the car, for example. After misty, drizzly days, you are itching to wash the accumulated dirt and seeds and what-not that feels glued to the exterior. And the day after you wash your vehicle, it rains. That evul Murphy and his Laws strikes again. Sometimes plans don’t jive with Fate, and the efforts seem wasted. I prefer to think of it as an opportunity to learn.

And I tend to learn a lot. Over and over again, it seems.

Things Never To Do Out of Order

#5– Never wash your car if there is rain in the forecast

As alluded to before, even if you live in the desert, just learn to be patient and wait for endless sunny days.

#4– Never bathe your dog before taking him to the dog park

Hilarity will ensue after he discovers new scents into which to revel.

#3– Never try new cosmetics the day of an event

Redness and splotchy look great in commercials, but not in real life.

#2– Never take the newly-opened exit ramp

People are creatures of habit, and as such will STILL act like the ramp isn’t there for days afterwards.

#1– Never do your nails right before cleaning anything

Or gardening, or sewing, or laundering, or fill-in-the-blank. This is my Achilles heel and forever will be so until such time as I have either a full-time housekeeper, gardener, and cook, or I give up on having pretty nails.

I’m pretty sure the latter will win out 😀

Thursday Never List

Today’s scribbly fluff deals with kindness. As a mom, I find it challenging to teach my kids how to be kind for kindness’ sake. It’s challenging because there are times when I want to go Rambo on some idiot taking up space at the dairy section, trying to decide if his soon-to-be carcass needs 2% or 1% milk. Seriously, is there such a life-threatening difference?? But it wouldn’t do to act like that in front of kids, or anyone for that matter. Nor would it do to be hostile to someone you don’t know simply because you are in a hurry to get creamer because you haven’t had your daily allotment of coffee.

Anyway, I understand there are times when it is very difficult, almost near impossible, to be kind. But there a some things which we should never pass up doing randomly for others.

#5– Never forget to wave

A simple acknowledgement like a hand wave goes a long way to make someone feel appreciated.

#4– Never forget to look behind you

Watching out for others makes one incredibly considerate.

#3– Never respond in anger

You can never take back words once spoken. Also, you can never take back words typed after hitting “send” or “enter”. Always read or think before you act.

#2– Never forget “Please” and “Thank you”

People aren’t your subjects, so don’t treat them like they are.

#1– Never forget to smile

People feel much better when they smile, and when it is returned. As a bonus, they will wonder if you are up to something.

There are many ways to show kindness to others. And by showing kindness, we get it in return.

Unless you are at the DMV. Then it’s a crap shoot 😉

Thursday Never List

Everyone loves to give advice. Notice I didn’t say “good advice”. We give advice when asked for it, and we give advice unsolicited. Some of the best advice I have followed stemmed from someone’s experience, and not from pearls of wisdom. Some of the worst advice has come from trusted sources (I will never, EVER eat eggplant casserole again). The great thing about advice is not that you can follow it, but that you have the free will to ignore it as well. Unfortunately, the trick is to know when to do one or the other.

That’s usually when hilarity ensues, so you have that going for you.

There are some words of advice that people should never forget, though.

#5– Never go to bed angry

It doesn’t matter if some wizard cleaned your clock in World of Warcraft™ or if you’re miffed because your significant other forgot to DVR your TV show. Resolve your anger and you’ll sleep better. Or at least, sleep with both eyes closed instead of one open.

#4– Never go grocery shopping while hungry

There is a can of octopus in the refrigerator, purchased while having a craving for sushi. I bet that can will evolve into the Kraken before too long.

#3– Never leave chocolate unattended

I speak as a victim. And also as a culprit. Don’t judge me.

#2– Never leave wet towels on the floor

Especially if you have dogs. Double especially if you have wet dogs.

#1– Never skip dessert

Some say with the sweet, comes the sour. I say with dessert, comes happiness. It sure makes for a sweet ending to whatever type of day you are having.

So there’s a few random words of unsolicited advice. As always, take with a grain of sugar or two 😉

Retail Therapy

I don’t care what some people say, I firmly believe everyone enjoys retail therapy to some degree. Whether you are buying ammo or new shoes, or shopping for others or yourself, it makes no difference. There is a part of you that really, really feels good about it.

For some guys, it may be a very tiny part, but it’s there. Especially if it involves booze. Or bacon. Or bullets.

We women get a bad rap for it, but we don’t all follow the norm. For example, I have three sisters. Last evening Sister #2 called to tell me she had bought some furniture for the empty room upstairs, and was so giddy about it she was giggling. Sister #3 sent an MMS to all of us showing her new shoes, which she purchased at a major discount (And I mean MAJOR: Nicole Miller heels for $4.98). And Sister #4 and I (I’m Sister #1, in case y’all wondered) usually SQUEEE over the Lolita glasses we *ahem* acquire. The funny thing is, it doesn’t have to be expensive or blingy or showy for retail therapy to work its magic on your psyche.

It just has to make you happy. Admittedly, a gorgeous diamond ring would make most women happy, and a Ferrari would make most men happy, too. But high maintenance would take away that first blush of happiness and replace it with resentment soon enough. Not that I would know first hand about that, though.

Sure would be fun to try it for a few weeks, though 😉

Thursday Never List

The other day I had the misfortune of jamming my nail into the back of a chair, causing the nail to bend back and rip from the bed in a very alarming, not to say painful manner.

I cried like a little girl. I admit it.

Once I took care of the bleeding and the whining, I went to look for a bandage to hold my nail down so that it wouldn’t rip any further.

Nothing in my medicine cabinet.

Nothing in the medicine basket in the kitchen.

Nothing in the first aid kit.

Finally I find a box of bandages buried under who knows how many empty bottles and leftover soaps and dried up nail polishes inside the kids’ bath cabinet. So, I am remedying that oversight today. And cleaning out the crap that has collected due to lazy kids.

Stuff One Should Never Be Without in a Medicine Cabinet

#5– Aspirin

Be all and end all of pain relievers, acne sufferers, and let’s not forget those with heart issues.

#4– Isopropyl alcohol

I have to make that distinction. Otherwise, people would stock Everclear™.

#3– Bandages

Blood is sure pretty, unless it’s your own.

#2– Bismuth solution

For every abdomen ailment. And it’s pink! BONUS!!

#1– Topical antibiotic

I must have seventeen tubes of Neosporin™, Lanacane™, and Bacitracin™ all over the house. And I’m of the opinion it’s STILL not enough.

Anyway, I hope y’all have a wonderful Thursday and enjoy the day not needing any of these items. I’m off to clean out the massive collection of crap under the cabinet. Here’s hoping none of it is radioactive by now 🙂