Sunshine and Puppehs

I’m sorry I haven’t written lately. I am now a “band parent” and no longer in control of my destiny. Well, as a mom I’ve never been in control, but at least I was able to pretend most of the time. On top of that, I am still feeling lonely now that Eldest is gone. I shouldn’t whine since quite a few of my friends are in the same boat as I am, or went through the same thing she is going through. But lately I have found it more difficult to feel cheerful about anything. As usual, the social-site-with-faces keeps me entertained, but I can’t be a slave to it, no matter how attractive that can be. Internet meth is what I call it. I have been so mopey that Hubby offered to let me buy a Lolita™ wine glass, and I turned him down!!!

Yes, yes I did.

So, I am trying to cheer myself up. Eldest’s goods arrived yesterday, so she is adjusting as expected. And my friend Erin sent me a huge box of old Reader’s Digest™ condensed books for me, so there will be altering in my immediate future. I really SQUEE’ed when I opened the box. Of course, I have to find a place to store them, but that’s a small matter. I have an attic. And I think there is room under my bed. Maybe.

So for now I am cheering myself up with small things like taking walks and enjoying the sun and thanks to XBradTC, with lots of puppehs.

Yes, I SQUEE’ed again.

Anyway, time to go give my doggies a cuddle and maybe start folding some books. Or paint something. That’s always fun, as long as I don’t get paint or glue in my hair 🙂

Worst Case Scenarios, Part MCMLXXX

It always happens, no matter what we are doing or where we are travelling.

Hubby has the ability to think of 55 x 10³ things at once. It’s a gift and a curse. It does not matter if we are out having ice cream at Baskin Robbins™. In the middle of a delectable bite of Cherries Jubilee, he will ask any one of us a question involving a possible, but highly improbable scenario. It was no different yesterday on the way back from visiting family.

Hubby: Suppose we are on the way home, and suddenly you see a mushroom cloud go up in the distance. What would you do?

Me: Are you serious right now?

Hubby: Yes. What would YOU do??

Me: Uh, well… take my family away from it??

Hubby: And then what?

Me: Pray.

As an after thought I would also go beyond a place of high elevation to let the radiation rain off. But I was a bit groggy from dozing off in the vehicle. Once I was awake, we developed the “WWYD” scenario, to the flip side.

Hubby: What places would the bad guys send a nuclear bomb, and why?

Eldest: Well, high population areas, like major cities.

Me: Hmmmm…. San Andreas Fault, and Yellowstone.

Hubby: Damn honey, you are evul.

Me: Well, yeah. Oh, and add the TVA while you’re at it.

He may think of a metric ton of stuff at once, but I hone my focus to a singularity for effect. It’s a gift, not a curse 😉

Sometimes It’s Not My Fault

I am usually the first person to admit fault in anything. Out of sweetener? My fault I forgot. Dead flowers? My bad for not checking the water. Dog had an accident? Oops…. forgot to let her out in time. I don’t mind accepting the responsibility, since most of the time it is easily rectifiable.

Except when it comes to my sister. It’s her fault everything she borrows from us gets ruined.

But there is a line that I do not cross. I won’t take the blame for something that I never did. A few evenings ago, Hubby and I were in bed watching TV, because there was a Monk marathon and that’s one of my jones. Anyway, he soon tired of it and decided to turn on his side, facing me, to go to sleep. Unfortunately, he didn’t notice that my leg was curled up facing him.

Hubby: *whimpers loudly*

Me: Are you ok??

Hubby: *gasps* That really hurt.

Me: What?

Hubby: You kneed me in the….

Me: WHAT? No I didn’t! I haven’t moved!

Hubby: Yes, you did…. *whimpers*

Me: No, I didn’t. You nutted me in the knee!!

Hubby: *stunned silence*

I would never, ever damage fruit of his loom. That’s like cutting off the heels to a pair of Louboutins because you tripped over your shadow. Makes absolutely no sense. So yes, sometimes it’s NOT my fault, and he should deal with the consequences 😉

The Art of the Insult

Before I begin, I wish to stress that this is a PG blog, and I do tend to monitor-slash-censor for the sake of my kids who do happen to read my blog. No I don’t force them to do so. Nor do I bribe them. I simply let curiosity get the best of them. I’m sneaky like that.

Anyway, I was watching TV last night, and heard a common and rather trendy insult being bandied about: douche bag. Now, being a gal, I am well aware of what an actual douche bag is. But I fail to see why it is considered an insult. A douche is designed as a cleansing agent, the bag HOLDS said cleansing agent. It is sterile and clean. The bag itself never becomes contaminated. It is an object that helps to aid in cleansing, people. How is THAT a bad thing? I think we are losing the art of the insult when we adopt terms from people who do not understand the true meaning of it. That’s just lazy. And we can and have done better than that. Shakespeare created hundreds of new words in his works, and we are letting them go to waste.

My blogger friend Nicki is a master of the insult. This blog post gives you an example of her linguistic prowess (warning: salty language). Just today she introduced me to another one at the social-site-with-faces. One I can’t repeat here, unfortunately. And let’s not forget our friend BC over at The Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler!! As scathing as cursing can be, one doesn’t have to rely on cussing to get a good insult across. The classic “bless your heart” goes a long way towards insulting someone, but it’s rather colloquial. I used it on a friend from Philly and he thanked me for my kindness. Sigh….. My son once told a bully that he “had the vocabulary of a head of cabbage.” Before the bully could digest that, Son simply walked away and was never bothered again. Language can be like a scythe when used effectively.

So put some effort into using the vastness of the English language. Heck, just a little effort is all you need. Instead of calling someone a douche bag, call them a colostomy bag. Think about THAT for a moment, and appreciate the beauty of how devastating an insult that is 😉

But Wait! There’s More!

As most of y’all know, the word “gullible” doesn’t exist in my dictionary. I am prone to be trusting. Sometimes that’s a good thing, and sometimes it’s not. This can be a bad thing with people, so I try to be on my guard as best as I can manage. But it is especially bad when it comes to….. commercials.

Cindy Crawford with some new skin care? I want to rush out to get it.

New ceramic cookware? Sign me up!

A new shampoo made from the tears of alpacas?? GOTTA HAVE IT!!!

I do draw the line at the Jockey™ custom bra dealio, though.

Seriously, I am very susceptible to that crap. Luckily there’s the Internet. I have to force myself to look up information on every blingy thing that catches my eyes. And yes, I do mean “force”. Sometimes the Internet is a huge time suck and the next thing I know it’s dinnertime and the kitchen still has the morning dishes in the sink. So I try to limit my time on the laptop. Shut it, I typed “try”. Advertising has com a heck of a long way since the Tootsie Pop™. And the fact that computer graphics are used willy nilly doesn’t help much, either. Seriously, Slim Jim™ jerky sticks do NOT make for a good rope. Trust me on this.

I was hoping that the older I got, the less gullible I became. Sigh…. fending off ageing makes one far more vulnerable to this crap. I should give up and let Nature finish the furrows on my face. But not until I try that new stuff from Neutrogena™ 😀

This Episode of Aggie’s Life is Badly Written

Today I had the misfortune of needing to go in for an ultrasound. The only instruction I received from the receptionist when I booked the appointment was to make sure to keep my bladder full and drink at least 20 oz. of water.

I want to take this time to thank my children for having trained my bladder so well.

It wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. It used to be long ago, back in the Iron Age when I went to high school, the ultrasound transducers were not as sensitive as they are now. This is where I cheer for technology. The technician was very light-handed and the whole procedure was rather quick and mostly discomfort-free. Mostly.

Anyway, after that I went home to take Hubby’s car to be inspected. Hilarity ensued.

Mechanic: Hi, what can I do for you?

Me: Car inspection, please.

Mechanic: *looks it over* Looking good!

Me: *blinks*

Mechanic: Just kidding, just pull it over to the side.

Me: Oh, I get it.

Mechanic: Not enough coffee this morning?

Me: Let’s go with that, ok?

Mechanic: *snort*

Once again, I am in the itty bitty wait area, the sight infamous for the previous debacle. Anyway, I proceeded to wait, whiling away the time by entertaining a little toddler who was doodling in a “My Little Pony” coloring book. Soon enough the car was ready, so I paid and went out to get the car, when the mechanic came over and let me know he was impressed that the car was in such great condition. I told him thanks, and that it’s a result of her being Hubby’s baby. Instead of laughing, the mechanic nodded sagely and said “She sure is.” I don’t get this reaction when I take in the van or the SUV.

Finally, this afternoon I get to go back to the hospital to pick up Hubby, since we drove in together in one vehicle. This means I get to enjoy traffic in the rain. Then I get to cook dinner, which will be braised chicken. It will be braised in white wine, so I have that going for me.

I love to cook with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food 😉

Busy Living

Yes, yes… I realize I have been away from blogging at all of the sites I admin for a while. The end of the school year is upon us, and so is the usual military turnover. I hate that time of year. You make friends, you forge new ties, only to have distance try to render them asunder. Right now my kids are getting ready to enjoy the summer weeks before starting major life-defining years: one’s senior year, the other’s freshman year.

I am not ready for the drama. And there will be PLENTY of drama. Little One in high school guarantees it.

I am also not ready to be a band parent. When my sister was in the high school band, parents were encouraged to support not just the kids but also the band. Now it is mandatory to support the band. I will pay less in HOA dues per year than I will as a supportive band booster, and the only return I will get is a T-shirt. Don’t get me wrong: I support all of my kids’ endeavors. I just don’t appreciate being told I MUST be a member of an exclusive club to show it. Ok, rant over.

Anyway, the past week I have been trying to get the house streamlined and planning on moving Son to the upstairs bonus room. This is a major, MAJOR event. It’s almost reminiscent of the Brady Bunch episode where Greg and Marsha were fighting over the attic room. Not that the kids are fighting over it, but more like the undertaking of moving three rooms into two. Why? Because the bonus room is used as both a game room and a craft room, and in moving Son up I will have to forfeit my craft area for a while.

Unless I leave the game room up there with Son, and only move the craft stuff downstairs….

Hm…….

IDEA!!!

But I seriously doubt it will come to pass, because someone who shall remain nameless, namely Hubby, will want his own office space. It’s ok. I guess I can box up the stuff I don’t use and wait until the kids begin to leave the nest. Once they do, they become gusts in their own home, and I get the space I need for my crap. It’s a win-win, as far as I’m concerned 😀

What I Learned at Awards Night

Last evening Little One’s school held their annual Honors Night. Usually this means giving out the best-students-in-this-class awards, athletic awards, organization awards, perfect attendance, and honor roll. I will not disparage any award given, but I do question why perfect attendance is so over-rated. Any kid that misses a day has to make up the classes anyway. And those who come to school ill because they don’t want a miss a day tend to spread disease so others get to miss school. Seems like a viscous cycle to me.

Anyway, as tedious as these things are, we always manage to entertain ourselves the Simon and Garfunkel way. How’s that, you may ask? Well, here are the lyrics to their song, America:

Laughing on the bus
Playing games with the faces
She said the man in the gabardine suit was a spy
I said “Be careful his bow tie is really a camera”

That’s correct: we make a game trying to guess who people are and what they do. It’s fun and keeps us busy during the breaks. But playing that game makes us pretty aware of what other people are doing. So here’s a list of things I learned not to do in large crowded areas.

1. Don’t take a selfie if you are sitting in front of my husband. He is very good at photobombing, and he is even better at embarrassing you.
2. If you and your friends are going to cheer for an honoree, make sure you synchronize yourselves. Otherwise it sounds completely garbled and the honoree will think you hate them, causing a major drama to unfold after the ceremony.
3. If you and your friends are going to boo someone as a joke, be prepared for a certain mom to come speak to you about it. Also, be prepared to have that certain mom make sure to embarrass you in front of the rest of your group by pointing out your ridiculous underwear sticking out of your dropped pants.
4. When going up to accept an award, do not jockey for position. It makes you look like a photo hound at best, and a rude kid at worst.
5. When taking photos of your awards student, please be considerate of the rest of humanity in that auditorium and do not place your late model iPad15™ in front of others. Get up and go up to the stage to take the photo.

So, that is some of the fun stuff I learned last evening. I also learned that some gal was going out with some guy who thought another gal was crushing on him, but since he wasn’t sure, he decided to stay with the first gal because it was good for his school standing and he didn’t want to risk losing the street cred in case the other gal wasn’t really crushing on him.

Man, am I glad I’m not in school 😀

Stupid Aggie Tricks

Today I was perusing the social-site-with-faces for news and sundry, when I noticed my friend PajamaMomma‘s status:

Running late…..washed my hair in the sink with dish soap. I hope I don’t get “dish pan” hair.

And that got me to thinking of all the stupid things I have done simply because I saw them on TV. I’m not saying PJM’s hair washing was stupid. I consider it sheer genius. It just so happens that her status post triggered a memory avalanche.

I hate it when that happens.

#1– I have tried and enjoyed milk with Pepsi™.

On a dare at the college cafeteria, this n00b took on a member of the elite baseball team (Chris Knoblauch, if you must know) and drank a glass of milk with ghastly Pepsi. It is the only way I will drink either.

#2– Soaked my fingernails in Palmolive™ dishwashing liquid.

To this day I don’t know why doing that was a Good Thing™. All I got out of it was clean cuticles.

#3– Wrote my name using Era™ liquid detergent, on a grass stain that I incurred on my jeans while doing something no doubt stupid.

Yeah, you have to actually LET IT SET for hours before you see any change. I wasted half a container and incurred motherly wrath.

#4– Washed my hair with Ajax™.

Obviously, I learned a lot from Laverne and Shirley. Also, Ajax™ strips your hair of oils and residue pretty well. Do not do this more than once a month, though.

#5– Carried Certs™ around just in case I had a “Certs encounter.”

The closest I had to a “Certs encounter” was years ago, in the wine section of the supermarket, and the gentleman was in his late 70’s. Neither one of us had Certs™. Thank goodness.

These are just a few of my…. fails, I suppose. I am sure I am not alone. At least PJM has done her share. So I have that going for me 😀

Thursday Never List

I’m so sorry I haven’t been blogging here in a few days. I’ve been having some health concerns and had to get all my ducks to the other side. Things are fine, but if you remember this, then you’ll understand. I am blessed with a recurrence and a fabulous outlook, because it could always be worse. Anyway, that’s over and done with and I can now get back to the regularly (pshaw!) scheduled blog.

Today’s list will be the last for a while. It gets harder and harder to do a Never List as I blog along. And I find lists to be like cheating. I do feel like I don’t put effort into a post when I do a list. Although it takes me FOREVER to think of a topic, so I have that going for me.

And you pay with rectangular bills.

Things I Will Never Understand

#5– Ketchup on burgers but not on steak.

Unless the cow has two different genetic codes, I fail to see why you can’t eat steak with ketchup.

#4– Driving gloves.

Sure, some time back they were necessary. But the steering wheel has come a long way, baby.

#3– Lip scrub.

Your lip has some of the thinnest skin on your persona and you want to polish it?

#2– A tax hike is permanent but a tax cut is temporary.

And still, people don’t notice that.

#1– How some females use their gender to get out of a ticket.

Seriously, I don’t get how a woman could lower herself to that point, especially when she is in the wrong.

Anyway, that’s it for now. I’m off to take some Tylenol™ because I am not supposed to have any blood thinning pain medication after having needles in my upper pectoral area. Now that you have that visual, I hope you can enjoy the rest of your Thursday 😉