Tag Archives: stabby

How to Handle a Busybody

This is turning into How-To Week, isn’t it?

Yesterday, I took Son to the dentist for his biannual cleaning. Since I usually wait for the kids, I decided to take a book to alter to keep myself occupied and entertained. It’s therapeutic, and makes time pass rather quickly. Now, most people tend to ask what I’m doing out of curiosity, and they are pleased with the way the book turns out. But one lady yesterday was not so happy.

As I sat there folding pages, she came and sat one chair away from me (observing the personal space rule of waiting rooms), and decided to engage me in a debate of sorts.

Lady: You know you are destroying a book, right?

Me: I’m sorry?

Lady: You are destroying a book. You shouldn’t do that. That’s like banning or burning it!

Me: How am I destroying this book?

Lady: Well, you are folding it and now no one can read it.

Me: No one was reading it. This book was being tossed out in the recycling bin by the thrift store because no one wished to purchase a mass market romance paperback from 1974. It was destined to be mulched and re-purposed as kindling as a fake log. I thought it would be far more kind to alter it into a pretty sculpture that one can pull apart and read IF one is curious enough to do so. I have not desecrated the words with fire or with censorship in any way. I’m simply giving this poor book a new chance at life.

Lady: Well, it’s still wrong to treat a book that way.

Me: So you would rather it be burned as a fake log than be someone’s little literary surprise? Who is burning books now?

Lady: You don’t understand…

Me: I understand perfectly well. You see a book as an object with one purpose in life. I see it as something to be treasured in all forms. We can differ in opinion but you can’t force your opinion on me, just as I can’t force my opinion on you. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I would like to finish this before my son is done.

Lady: ……………

Me: *goes back to folding*

She eventually moved to the other side of the waiting room. I could feel her disapproving glances as I continued to fold, which made me smile all the more. Perhaps I was a bit mean, but apparently the lady forgot that one should never, ever judge a book by its cover πŸ˜‰

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Snowday, Texas Style

Today we are enjoying a snowday, that rarest of holidays here in South Texas.

By “snowday”, I mean there is ice on the ground and the vehicles are iced shut. And by “enjoying”, I mean the kids are testing my patience.

Snowdays down here are nothing compared to what Michiganders endure. I am sure they are laughing at us down here for shutting down schools and businesses, but the reality is we are not savvy drivers on icy roads. Heck, rain freaks us out. So better safe at home than sorry wrapped around a light pole.

Of course, Michiganders would probably melt down here in the spring, so we have that going for us.

But I am ready for Winter to go away.

die winter die lol

Soooooooo done with winter. I want to feel the sun as it turns the asphalt into a mushy mess. I want to see flowers bloom in the adversity that is a Texas summer. I want to see water boil off the sidewalk. I’m getting nostalgic just thinking about it. If we humans could hibernate, I wouldn’t have such an issue with the cold. Or with shaving my legs.

Anyway, I hope that wherever you are, you are keeping warm and safe, and stabbing winter in the head πŸ˜‰


Never List, Better Late Than Never Edition

Sorry about dropping the ball yesterday. It was Halloween, and on top of that, had to spend the morning running errands across town. Oh, and it was Halloween. That means I was also busy finishing up my costume. Which was epic, by the way.

*begins making plans for next Halloween*

Anyway, our friendΒ roamingfirehydrant sent me an email with a wonderfully awesome suggestion for a Never List. And when I say “wonderfully awesome”, I mean it.

rebecca black hate fridays

Songs You Never, Ever Want to Hear

#5– Friday, by Rebecca Black

This needs no explanation, as captioned above.

#4– Macarena, by Los del Rio

I have nothing against Spanish music, obviously. I do have something against stupid lyrics in any language.

#3– I’m Too Sexy, by Right Said Fred

Narcissistic AND annoying only works if you’re in politics.

#2– Achy Breaky Heart, by Billy Ray Cyrus

Not only was it a remake of someone else’s song, it brought mullets into fashion. That should be a felony.

#1– Don’t Worry, Be Happy, by Bobby McFerrin

I like the sentiment, don’t get me wrong. But you don’t need to reiterate it over and over again. That defeats the purpose, and makes me feel all stabby again.

Hope y’all enjoy your Friday, without the earworms πŸ˜‰


Thursday Never List

A few days ago, I was talking to a friend of mine who has become concerned about the rapid appearance of little wrinkles around her eye area. She told me she bought some wrinkle cream from a high-end cosmetics brand and after recovering from the price she quoted, she went on to say she would even have cosmetic surgery to “fix” the wrinkles. She asked for my opinion on what she should have done to stem the tide of ageing.

She asked a woman who can’t even be bothered to get rid of her gray, much less bother to put on wrinkle cream on her face.

Anyway, it got me to thinking: what cosmetic surgeries would I consider too much?

brazil_4

So here is the Never List of cosmetic surgeries for moi.

#5– Buttock augmentation

I’m sorry, but if I need a cushion, I’ll just get one from the store.

#4– Ear pinning

Nothing a hat or a good haircut wouldn’t help.

#3– Liposuction

I have seen the “suctioning”. I would rather cut any fat out with a machete than go through that.

#2– Implants for the female upper pectoral area*

It’s not that it’s a bad thing. It’s just that I imagine a 1,000 years from now, some archaeologist will be digging a grave and find these globules and think they are a religious artifact. The sad part being, he would be right.

#1– “Stiletto” surgery

Cutting off the pinkie toe so you can wear stiletto shoes?? Back in the 1400’s it was called torture. Now it’s called fashionable.

I love shoes, but not that much πŸ˜‰

*Sorry for the wording, but the pr0n spam would find the blog otherwise!


The Good Ol’ Days

Lately, I have been on a technology hating kick. I hate my cellphone, I hate my cordless phone, intensely dislike the remotes to the TV, despise the remotes to the sound system, and want to stab the infernal video game systems.

The laptop gets a pass for now, though.

You may be wondering what set this off. Mostly, human nature did. Little One likes to control the TV remotes and hides them so that no one else can change the channel from whatever tripe she is watching. Hubby likes to put the sound system on very loud, as most men like to do. The video games suck life from those who play them. The kids take the cordless phone to some part of the house and forget to place them back on the cradle. That means they are NOT CHARGED when I need it. And as for the cellphone, I just plain hate the texting. One text or two to confirm something is fine. An ENTIRE conversation is a pain in the lower backside. But the worst part??

NOT BEING ABLE TO SLAM THE PHONE DOWN WHEN I AM MADDER THAN A HORNET!!!

How is pressing the end call button supposed to provide satisfaction on that score?? How am I supposed to relay my complete and utter ire at the receiver if I can’t throw it down?? Of sure…. one could argue you can just chuck the phone away, but then I would be providing a free cellphone to an unsuspecting passer-by. Along with unlimited texting, apparently. So no, I shall keep the phone and learn to not answer everything.

But in the meantime, I will be scouring the flea market and thrift stores for an old-fashioned, corded phone. One that is heavy and bulky and can NOT be lost in the house. And one that doesn’t come with an answering machine πŸ˜‰


Picking Battle Axes

Every day, it’s the same old story.

“Go wash the dishes!”

“Get in the shower!”

“Are you done with your homework??”

“It’s past your bedtime!”

Yes, they do have set chores, but seldom do they do them of their own accord. They don’t have a set time for bed, but if I am the one waking them up, then I sure as Hades don’t want to deal with slow cranky kidlets.

woman with hatchet

Last night, I finally had my epiphany: WHY DO I GO THROUGH THE TROUBLE??

Stick a fork, I’m done. I am not their social secretary, nor am I their daily reminder calendar. If they forget the dishes, I will gather them up and place them on their bed. If they forget laundry in the washer, I will take it out and let it mold on the floor. If they forget to put away food, they will enjoy it for breakfast. I’m too old and too grumpy to be chasing after that crap.

It’s my summer and I will be enjoying it, too!!


Rats With Better PR

Yesterday afternoon, I went outside to water the flowers, praying that I wouldn’t end up murdering them yet again it would rain, since it was overcast and that would save me from having to roll out the sprinkler. I…..don’t have the best luck with plants. Except my hostas, which weirdly are freakishly huge under the tree.

I guess they thrive on ignorance and neglect.

Anyway, I go get the garden hose, and turn to talk to my calla lily. She hasn’t deserted me, either. Again, ignorance and neglect. I give her a good drink of water, and then turn to the marigolds in the bright teacup style pot, only to find broken leaves, snapped heads, and a mess of dirt. Why? Because some squirrel decided that was where he had hidden his treasure trove of acorns.

jedi_squirrel

Seems legit.

Normally I am not one to get upset over something so small. But they had done it to the newly planted petunias out front, which were BRAND FREAKING NEW AND HAD NO ACORNS IN THE DIRT!! So of course, I snapped.

Me: STAY OUT OF MY POTTED PLANTS, YOU INSIPID BAG OF MANGY FUR!!

Squirrel: *looks at me from the fence edge*

Me: YES, YOU!! I CATCH YOU AROUND MY PLANTS AGAIN, AND I WILL MAKE STEW OUT OF YOUR HIDE!!

Neighbor: Hey Aggie*. How’s…. your day?

Me: Uh, Hey! Just…fine… watering plants.

Neighbor: Need a shotgun?

Me: I’m on it.

Neighbor: I didn’t hear a thing.

Me: I owe you.

I don’t like squirrels, as you can probably surmise. I don’t care that they have bushy tails, or cute little hands (which have nasty claws), or cheeky pouches. Screw that. I think they are nasty little birdseed thieves who conspire to wreak havoc on the roads and make your plants wither and die.

It’s a good thing I was defrosting chicken, because stew sounded pretty good right then πŸ˜‰


Moody, Not Blue

Last night we had yet another storm pass through, bringing along cooler temperatures.

In Texas.

In May.

INCONCEIVABLE!!!!

Yes, I know what the word means. I normally don’t mind cooler weather. But usually that’s reserved for about two weeks in late December. By May we should be scorching our lawns and dehydrating our petunias. This makes me moody, to the point of actually sharpening my machete in order to keep calm, people. Why? Because I ran out of pins to stick in the voodoo dolls, and can’t go out to get more until the wind dies down!

voodoo doll

And don’t think my anger and moodiness don’t have a victim in mind. I picture a certain man, resembling perhaps a bear, maybe a pig, IYKWIMAITTYD. Just remember: voodoo is for those of us that are too good for anger management.

Ok, back to honing an edge or two. At least until the wind dies down πŸ˜‰


Going Off on a Rant

Ok, it’s late April, and it’s 48* F outside. That’s 9* C for my foreign friends. And that’s INCONCEIVABLE for Texas. We should be enjoying high 80’s, if not downright scorching next to the Sun mid-90’s. Those of you up north, you have my pity.

Nothing like being told at the last minute that I need to make graduation announcements. Thank goodness I know how to make cards, have stamps, and a printer. Now to spend days doing the same thing over and over. Isn’t that insanity? Or being a mom? Or are they interchangeable?

My youngest is testing this week, and she was instructed to mark “A” on her ethic background. Upon calling the school, I was told “H” is not an option because it isn’t an ethnicity. No one could explain why she was told to mark Asian. To the best of my knowledge, Genghis Khan never set foot on Puerto Rico. I said as much, and was asked, “Who?” I cried.

I think I need to eat a lot of chocolate today. That’s the best cure πŸ˜‰


I May Need Meds, or Just A Few M&Ms

Last week, Son asked me to get him some glow sticks for a project. Normally this would be fine, but the project is for speech, and the group is selling glow-in-the-dark socks.

That can only end in frustration, and a few neon stains.

Yesterday while at Wally World, a young woman was debating which hair color to get. Her friend suggested she try a platinum blonde shade. The girl said she was looking for a silver color because she couldn’t afford platinum.

At least her friend looked at her funny.

In the refrigerated section, a man was trying to decide between cuts of beef. The meat dept. guy was offering his expertise, when the gentleman said, “It would be simpler to have just beef and lite beef, like beer does.”

cosby-wut

There are days when I think we need to remove warning labels, and let the problem sort itself out.

LITE BEEF???

Someone pass the M&Ms πŸ˜€