The German Pickle

I have a quandary. This being a Hungarian-Puerto Rican family here, we obviously observe a faux German tradition*. We are extremely hoi polloi here. Anyway, tradition holds that you hang a green pickle ornament on the tree on Christmas Eve, and whichever child finds it, gets a special gift.

Found here!

This year, a complaint was filed by Little One against this so-called tradition. You see, her sister is 5′ 8″, and her brother 5′ 10″, and she is still in the “Pocket Venus” range of 5′ 2″, putting her mad searching skillz at a disadvantage. In her opinion, such a tradition is severely biased against the shortest member of the family and, as such, should be banned.

I told her this is the Empire of Aggie™, and the ACLU has no jurisdiction here.

She wisely relented, but asked that I give consideration to her plight, which translated means that she whined until I told her to shut it. But since they all want a shot at the special gift, I have decided that the pickle shall be hidden somewhere in the living room, giving everyone even odds of finding it.

And giving me peace and quiet around here 🙂

*It is celebrated here in the US as a German tradition, but oddly, my friends in Germany have never heard of it, and I found no stories in Bavaria to account for it.

For the Birds

I am a big mystery fan, especially old school stuff. I can read Hammett and Christie and everything in between over and over again. The same applies for movies. The older stuff, grainy black and white, suspenseful music…ahhhh, that’s just classic.

A few weeks ago, one of the networks had an Alfred Hitchcock marathon. Y’all can imagine how jazzed I was! Four classics back to back, and no, Marnie wasn’t one of them, thank goodness. Psycho, Rear Window, The Trouble With Harry, and Rope. I got my tissues*, my cup of coffee, and my cozy throw, and sat next to Little One, who was home sick with a tummy bug. I had asked her if I could watch them and she was gracious enough to let me.

This is where y’all roll your eyes, just like I did.

First up is Psycho, and I’m enjoying it immensely, when I notice that Little One has turned over to face the TV and watch the film. I warned her that it was suspenseful, and a bit scary, but she told me she could handle it. And boy, did she handle it. At the end of the film she was raving about how awesome it was, and how we should get the DVD for it (I have it, but didn’t want her to go get it and demand to watch it again, since she missed the first fifteen minutes or so). Anyway, we end up watching all four movies and she asks me if Hitchcock made any others as suspenseful as those. “Many”, I said. “Do you have more?” she asked. “But of course, but I don’t think you are ready for some of them.” “Like which ones?” she wondered. And my soul froze, thinking of the one Hitchcock film that still manages to freak me out and leave me sleepless for days!!

I told her about Rebecca, and North by Northwest, but I kept The Birds to myself. I know my kid, and the moment she finds out birds start attacking humans in a sleepy little town, she is going to want to watch it, in the dark, all agog at Tippy Hedren in her beautiful green suit getting ravaged by crows. And then she’s going to want to sleep in my bed, where I will lay in the dark, waiting to hear the flap of wings on my roof.

No, thank you. I like being mistress of my domain.

*I always cry when Martin Balsam is killed off.

Drama Queen

No, this isn’t about my friend The Queen. She abhors drama, unless it’s in a book or TV show. No, this is about Shakespeare!!

I love reading the works of Shakespeare. Very few works stir my soul as much as his do. I suppose being Hispanic and having the gift of talking with my hands lends itself to interpreting Shakespeare. Either that, or I just like living vicariously through literature. It’s a toss-up.

Right now, Eldest’s class is dissecting Hamlet. I was totally jazzed about this, because I have studied the play many times, with different teachers as well as helping other students in college with papers and the like. I was READY FOR THE CHALLENGE!!

Until…

Eldest: Mom, sorry, but I can’t let you help me with this.

Me: Wha….??

Eldest: Our teacher wants us to do this blind, write the first thing that we think of for each passage.

Me: (still not grasping the concept) But….

Eldest: (smirking a bit) Sorry mom…

Me: Sigh….

So much for me helping my kids with something I actually know. Let’s face it: Statistics drives me into hysterics and makes me want to cut someone. Ditto for Physics (stop glaring, LC LtC). Just once I want to be the one the kids seek for homework help….

Until then, I will content myself with being the lead Drama Queen around here.

SOMEONE GET ME SOME CYBER SMELLING SALTS!!! 😀

Oh, Christmas Tree….

How lovely are your branches? Well, it depends, really. Growing up in a very small town in the mountains of Puerto Rico, we didn’t have access to Christmas pine trees, so my mom would decorate whatever potted tree she had not transplanted yet with those wonderful gaudy multi-colored Christmas lights, and some mirrored ornaments. We girls didn’t care what ornaments and lights were on it, as long as mom and dad lit that sucker up at night, turning off all the lights in the living room so we could sit and STARE at the colorful spectacle. Those were some lovely nights.

Once we moved to Texas, though, my mom decided the tree was going to be a decorator vehicle. Everything matched, and while it was beautiful every year, I still missed the days of just the big bulb lights and glass ornaments. Once I was married, though, I would be more artistic with the tree, even to the point of not having a tree at all, using a huge broken branch to hold ornaments one year. And then I got into the mom rut: making a well-matched tree. And so was the pattern established, until I read this post at Innocent Bystanders.

So, I’m digging out all of my Star Trek™ ornaments, and the mismatched glass balls, and the multi-colored lights, and the crappy fuzzy tinsel garland, and every single ornament the kids have made since they started school, and I will let the kids throw it together the way they like it.

Because I want them to sit in a darkened house, looking up at the Christmas tree in wonder, the same way I did.

Word to Your Mother!

Saturday I took the kids to IHOP, since I was in no mood to cook after an eight hour drive. As usual, there must be music, and Eldest was scrolling through the XM stations when I screeched at her to stop.

Moon Unit Zappa’s Valley Girl was on!!

Like oh my god!

Like, totally!

It’s like so bitchen!

Grody to the max!

Gag me with a spoon!

Like, fer sure….

Totally!

The kids listened to it with deer-caught-in-the-headlights looks and Eldest asked me, “Like, how old is this song?”

And smartipants that I am, I said, “Like, totally thirty years old!”

Sometimes I get the feeling the current generation thinks they invented the words like and totally. They looked surprised to learn that certain idioms they use have been around for decades. Some, like swag, are new to me. That one still confuses me, and drives Son up the wall whenever he hears it. Lately I have seen the terms beast and boss being used. I always thought a beast was a bad thing, or an X-Men character. How little I know, right?

But all that got me to thinking…. what is to stop me from being an etymological trendsetter?? So, I thought about it, and have come up with the coolest phrase evah!!

EPIC ENTROPY!!

I tried it on the kids this morning, and got a blank look for my efforts. But not to worry. It will catch on. Momma always has the last word, and that’s epic entropy 😉

Picking Up the Peace

Why is that? Because the kids are still asleep.

Why is that?? Because they stayed up arguing well after I went to bed.

And why was that?? Because they tend to take things on a literal basis.

So today, one will be wiping down every single door, front and back, top and sides, and the other one will be wiping down all the baseboards. And once that has been done to my satisfaction, they will move on to the air vents and fans.

Oh yes, there will be joy today!! 😉

There is a Tide…

Or in this case, Gain™. It’s Sunday, and the kids have to do their laundry. That means a lot of whining and complaining. But eventually, I calm down and let them do it their way.

I used to be a stickler for folding clothes a certain way. I got that from my mother. Shirts in thirds lengthwise, and then in thirds again widthwise. Pants folded in half, and half again. And don’t get me started on underwear. My mother is very old school, and used to iron boxer shorts. That is one thing we never had to do at home, thank goodness. But yes, we had to fold everything a certain way at home. But now having my own family, I feel I can give my kids leeway when they do their own laundry. Son likes to fold shirts in half lengthwise and widthwise, Eldest does the thirds and then in half, and Little One likes to fold in half and then fourths. It’s their laundry, so they should fold as they wish.

As long as it’s not just wadded up into a ball and shoved in a drawer, that is 😉

The Olden Days

Last night we had a block party for the neighborhood. I was the ONLY adult that dressed up for Halloween. Thank goodness I passed on the fairy costume. I think I a bit long in the tooth for that. I went as a be bopper.  You know: rolled jeans, boyfriend shirt with rolled sleeves, bobby socks…like this:

I had my hair up in a pony tail, and bright red lipstick, blue eyeshadow and cat eyeliner, and even a scarf in a bow! I was cool!!!

Until a teenage kid asked me what I was supposed to be.

Understanding that some kids really don’t know there was a century before this one, I explained as best as I could. Still, he wasn’t getting it. Until another kid piped up to explain:

Kid #2: She’s dressed like The Outsiders, remember?

Kid #1: Oh yeah, like in the old days.

Me: (Hears the grave calling. Gives them yucky candy)

Next year I’m going to dress up like the Crypt Keeper.  He’s closer to my age.

The True Horror

This time of year, there is no need to fear the Reaper. No, I give you The True Horror.

They suck the life out of you.

They will destroy everything in their path.

And they are pod people!!!

May God have mercy on our souls…..

Hope y’all have a great Friday 😉

Proof Twilight at the New Moon Can Cause You to Eclipse the Breaking Dawn

Personally speaking, I am heartily sick of sparkling vampires and well-groomed werewolves. I’m not one to enjoy gory movies for the sake of being scared, mind you. But I firmly believe that vampires and werewolves should fall in the “gorefest” category, and not in the “sparkly” one. But the teens seemed to enjoy the Twilight saga, and it helped to encourage legions to read, so I can’t bash it too much.

A more realistic version of Twilight....

Anyway, Eldest was chatting (texting, whatever teens do nowadays) with a friend, when she turned to me and brought up the subject.

Eldest: Mom, did you know that Breaking Dawn opens on a school night?

Me: What they do is premier a movie on Thursday at midnight, so they can technically say it opened on Friday.

Eldest: Well, (her friend) wants us all to go at midnight to see it.

Me: Uh, no. It’s a school night, plus you have drill practice on Friday morning.

Eldest: I can get plenty of sleep. I’ll be home by 2 AM and get up by 6 AM.

Me: If you think you are going to a midnight showing on a school night, you are seriously deluded.

Eldest: Mom, you are using the wrong word. That’s not the one derived from delusional.

Me: Of course it is!

Eldest: Then what is the word you use when adding water?

Me: That’s DILUTED!!

Eldest: (laughing her derriere off).

I’m still not sure if that was a cleverly laid trap for me. I am sure, however, that she isn’t attending the midnight premiere 😉

Oh, and this is possibly the longest post title I’ve ever done!