Category Archives: Hollyweird

Films, Movies, Flicks, and Such

*dusts off blog*

Howdy! Yes, been a while since I blogged here. I have been more active at H&B, but I have been missing writing about fluff. Holidays and Twitter were a time suck, but hopefully I will be back in the blogging groove from now on.

Lately I have been on a roll regarding movies. Back in my younger days, it was part of my job to be very familiar with Hollywood fare. The more I learned about any movie, the more I began to realize just how awesome bad movies were. Sure, the title distinguishes the differences in celluloid: “film” is more artistic, “movie” is more entertainment, and “flick” is completely devoid of sense. And this post is about my favorite flicks. It’s my blog, and I write what I want.

bad-acting-lol

Number 5: Birdemic: Shock and Terror

This is supposedly inspired by Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds. Supposedly. It has birds in it, true. We don’t see them until halfway through the flick and though they are attacking humans, it seems they die for some unknown reason. It was also inspired byΒ An Inconvenient Truth. Sigh…. If you enjoy bad acting, hammy preaching, and exploding bird gifs, this is the movie for you.

Number 4: Manos: The Hands of Fate

Apparently, the writer doesn’t know enough Spanish. This movie is so bad, it borders on greatness because it stemmed from a bet: anyone can make a horror movie. I bet they lost. If anything, watch the MST3K riff of it. It will limit the chance of alcohol poisoning.

Number 3: Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers

I know this is supposed to be a PG blog. But this flick is just too awesome to pass up. Plot centers around a gang of prostitutes who hack up people with chainsaws for their cult. PROSTITUTE CULT!!!

Number 2: Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama

Sorority pledges get paddled, whipped creamed, showered, then they get to B&E in a bowling alley for a trophy which gets broken, releasing an evil imp the wreaks havoc and zombifies the bowheads.

And my all-time favorite flick….

Number 1: Cannibal Women in the Avocado Jungle of Death

Shannon Tweed (whom I adore) plays feminist professor Margo Hunt, who is hired to go into the jungle to investigate the disappearance of a fellow feminist (Adrienne Barbeau) and to secure the the import of avocados for the US while convincing the tribe of female cannibals to move to Malibu. Her guide is played by Bill Maher in the role of an idiot, so a lot of realism here. This plot is delicious on several levels, not the least of which is fighting factions that quibble over whether men should be eaten with salsa or clam dip. Not a euphemism at all.

So, these are just a few of the flicks we at Casa de Aggie enjoy. Thankfully, popcorn goes well with booze, otherwise some of these would be completely intolerable. I hope to do a full drunk blog post for Sorority Babes once friend of the blogiverse Tiberius comes for a visit. Hopefully it will be articulate. Maybe πŸ˜‰

Advertisements

Here, Kitty Kitty

Sometimes I am surprise by what inspires me to write.

While struggling to come up with something coherent to write, I came across the classic, campy original Batman. I remember watching it in Spanish and I can tell you, the voice actors were just as melodramatic as the original cast. I miss old movies like this one.

How can you not appreciate the shark repellent scene??

Anyway, while contemplating on the beauty of Lee Meriwether (ok, more like wish I looked like that), I began to muse over the many wonderful ladies who graced the screen as “Catwoman”. Each of them had their own style, their own take on that volatile and charismatic character.

Eartha Kitt, the most petite and most purringly devious.

Julie Newmar, the most statuesque and sultry.

Lee Meriwether, the most agile and refined.

With the revival of “Batman” came Tim Burton’s take on Selena Kyle. Michelle Pfeiffer as the new Catwoman was sharper and dark, though no less sensual than her predecessors. The last decade brought us Anne Hathaway, who was not as vivid as the others but managed to spin a nice take on Kyle’s character. I bet you think I skipped Halle Berry but to be fair, the character was different from the rest.

So the questions of the day is, who is your favorite, and why? πŸ˜€


Not Right in the Head

Sometimes my anthropological background rears its ugly, demented head.

It all started with a professor, Dr. Dettwyler. She was my fave prof in the department mostly because she had a nerdy sense of humor and because she didn’t give a rat’s….tail about the misogynists in the department. Back when I was majoring in Anthropology, we had a few of the “Old Guard” who still believed women shouldn’t be in the field. Not that we weren’t smart enough, but rather they felt that the Perils of Gwendolyn would play out at any moment.

And y’all thought Anthropology was boring.

Anyway, one thing that simply fascinated her were skulls, of the human variety. It is said that some people have the map of a country on their face because that area has specific genetic traits. One day we were watching Quest for Fire (while laughing out loud) and she remarked that the one actor who fit well in the role was Ron Perlman, his skull being so perfect. Perfect?? Yep, the cheekbones, the brow ridge, everything was just perfect and she would just love to own his skull for Science. This was her segue into that particular lesson. And I became rather obsessed with mapping skulls ever since.

Now, I tell you that story so I can better explain what transpired yesterday. I’m not much of a high-brow person, and tend to like irreverent comedy (Mel Brooks is KING!!). Last night I was watching Let’s Be Cops because I could, and I had an epiphany.

Rob_Riggle

ZOMG!!! Look at that skull!! Just look at it!!! Isn’t it just perfect??? How did I miss Rob Riggle’s skull before???

Me: My GAWD his skull is awesome. Just like Ron Perlman’s!!

Hubby: People are going to be concerned about you wanting to collect heads.

Me: I don’t want to collect heads. I just want to own his skull. THERE’S A DIFFERENCE!!*

Obviously I don’t actually want to own anyone’s skull. But I do enjoy mapping them to this day. It’s fun trying to extrapolate where a person originated from. And let’s face it: he is rather easy on the eyes as well. And he is definitely not the only one, either. Guy Pearce and Olivia Wilde are two others whose skulls are fascinating to me. But as with all skulls, I only admire from afar.

Because this obsession would look ridiculous on a restraining order πŸ˜‰

*In case it isn’t obvious, this post is done in humor and should be taken in the manner intended. Otherwise you are a poopy head.


How Movie Grief Could Have Been Avoided

I am getting rather cantankerous in my old age. I don’t go to the movies often, not just because it is outrageously expensive but also because the movie plots tend to get me mad. It is difficult sitting there and keeping quiet when all you want to do is scream about how a monkey could have done a better job of writing this massive waste of celluloid. Or worse, how the whole plots could have been resolved in FIVE MINUTES!!!

For example, take The Lord of the Rings trilogy and The Hobbit trilogy. The first time I watched it it was all “Oooooh!!!” and “WOW!!!” and “ZOMG!!!”. But the second time all I could think about was how they could have just flown the eagles over the mountain and dropped the damn ring in there. I understand the concept of “allegory” but I also understand the concept of “logic”.

And then there’s Sleeping Beauty. Walt Disney loved to bring a fairy tale to life. Few people know he was actually involved in The Little Mermaid way back in the 1940’s. Dude was all about the “happily ever after”. But every time that movie comes on, all I can think about how all the angst could have been avoided if only they had sent an invitation to Maleficent!!! That’s it. She wouldn’t have even shown up anyway had she been invited.

And I don’t even have to explain my abhorrence for Fifty Shades of Grey. Or is it “Gray”? Sometimes English confuses me. But c’mon! A good looking guy tells you to sign a contract so he will own you and you have no rights whatsoever? Leaving the domestic abuse issue aside, the horrible writing, the impossibility of a 26 year old billionaire, and all the trappings, who would sign a contract to be treated like offal?

I should stop here. I know that Lent is having an effect on me. Ok, lack of chocolate is having this effect on me. Fine….FINE!!! Lack of wine, too. I have two weeks to go and miles before I am done. But I have patience, will, and time.

And a box of Peeps with my name on it πŸ˜€


Of Champagne and Train Wrecks

This past Sunday morning was rather uneventful as usual. Normally I get up and make myself my first of three cups of coffee, and sit down to read news from around the world. But I was feeling a bit overwhelmed with the State of Fearβ„’ constantly bombarding my social and blog sites, so I decided to watch TV. I was hoping for some fun show where they completely demolish your kitchen/ bathroom/ house and rebuild it with some neat upgrades like a complete sound system in the shower or a wine dispenser in the kitchen.

Yes, they do make those.

Anyway, I was scrolling along and the next thing I see is a pair of Louboutin shoes on display on some show. I had to stop and look. Look, they were Louboutins, ok?? So I start watching two women discussing the pros and cons of buying that particular pair of studded Louboutins for a catering event and how one of the gals just HAD to get them in order to make a statement at said catering event. Then it turns out it was a commercial for some reality TV show, but before I could change it, ANOTHER reality TV show came on, and it was about a pack of wild hyenas group of well-to-do ladies (and I use that term loosely) from Melbourne, Australia called Real Housewives of Melbourne. Let me tell you, the only truth in that title is the name of the city. And so began my descent into the maelstrom of fake reality TV.

I picked up the storyline from the time Gal 1 decided to take all of them to an exclusive resort, where some of the others decided it was the opportune time to accuse her of talking behind their backs and Gal 1 AKA Barrister had enough and left them there, and Gal 2 AKA Switzerland called her to make sure she was ok, but the others ignored her, and then Gal 3 Mystic was scrambling to launch a cocktail line, but wanted a date with her hubby, so she and Gal 4 AKA Pilot went shopping at Agent Provocateur and spent $4,500 on a piece of lingerie, which her rocker hubby adored to the tune of $6,000 diamond earrings, while Gal 5 AKA Instigator is trying to fan the flames while trying to put them out between Barrister and Gal 6 AKA Plastic Barbie. So Barrister is being actively ostracized by all but Switzerland, and Mystic, who is keeping everyone at arms’ length because she comes from Newcastle and her mom is Russian and she has seen serious crap go down. And Plastic barbie is writing a book about how women can have it all (because that has never, ever been done) and is joining forces with Pilot who is also writing a book, but no one knows about what because she is too busy talking about her fantastic life and her fantastic dog. Then you have Switzerland trying to patch things up between Plastic Barbie and Barrister in a limo on the way to a special private opening of a new store from America called “West Elm”.

And this is where I lost it, yelling at the TV, “HA! I shop there you rich bimbos. You ain’t better than me!!”

And Hubby gave me a smile and a little pitying look right then.

Anyway, Switzerland is trying to make the peace by opening champagne and telling all of them this is some girl time to talk things out, because as normal people know, shopping is when women talk to each other. But then Plastic barbie gets it in her head to talk about Barrister RIGHT THERE and there is nothing Switzerland can do to mend the rifts, and Instigator full well owns up to having had a hand in it, and is cheered on by Pilot for being such a stand-up person, when in the real world a normal woman would have scratched her eyes out for being so duplicitous. So on to Mystic and her alcohol and she is by far the most normal of the Rich Pack. She doesn’t own a dog, but if she did, she wouldn’t subject it to dressing it up in costumes or taking it to a pooch party, which totally happened. Anyway she and rocker hubby are launching a new line of cocktails and she decides she doesn’t need the drama, so she steers as clear as one can while being followed around with cameras. Meanwhile Instigator and Switzerland confront Barrister to make her go apologize to Plastic Barbie, and that she needs to own up to what she had called Barbie and Pilot. So Barrister meets with Barbie and the amount of FAIL could only be measured on a Richter scale. Because as normal people know, women with chips on shoulders will never apologize when cameras are rolling. And so on to the end of this champagne-fueled train wreck, where the cocktail line is launching, and all the gals are in attendance for Mystic, while Barrister is actively ignored by Pilot and Barbie. The launch is a success, and at the end all six go sit to talk things out, and with drinks flowing and tongues wagging, it’s a miracle it was intelligible enough for closed-captioning. And still Barrister didn’t apologize, Pilot is still musing about a book, Barbie is still mad, Instigator is held at arms’ length, Switzerland has given up, and Mystic is as adjusted as a psychic married to a rock star and launching a cocktail line can be.

So I wasted my Sunday morning watching a bunch of pretentious women have cat fights on TV. Y’all didn’t think I was serious when I say I live a boring life, did you? Well, now you have proof πŸ˜€


Thursday Never List

I was cleaning out my book stash in the garage, when I came across a folly I purchased way back in the ’90s. Not an actual folly. If I had a folly it would be in my backyard. No, I’m referring to a purchased mistake because I was silly enough to follow the dictates of the New York Times bestseller list.

scarlett

And don’t get me started on the made-for-TV waste of celluloid that was spawned by this waste of a good tree. When I saw Joanne Whaley-Kilmer (she was still married to Val at the time) playing Scarlett, I shrieked, “SCARLETT HAS GREEN EYES, YOU CASTING FOOLS!!!” There are just some things that should not be. And thus the Never List of movies that should never be rebooted.

#5– The Longest Day

I remember a few years ago someone had broached the subject of rebooting this masterpiece. It was shot down faster than an Me 262 before take-off.

#4– The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

I shouldn’t even have to explain this one.

#3– Gone With the Wind

Only Carol Burnett could do it justice. Besides, if Atlanta were to burn, it would be due to riots.

#2– Casablanca

Y’all just know the film would become some kind of politically correct vehicle against the war. ANY war.

#1– The Wizard of Oz

Disney really came close, even so far as to include elements from the 1939 film into Oz, the Great and Powerful. Making a prequel to the masterpiece saved them a lot of headaches. Of course, now that Disney owns the rights to all that is Star Wars, I weep for the future.

Of note, I wanted to add an Honorable Mention: Star Trek. I can not stress how horrified I was to learn of the reboot. I would write about it, but currently I am not on heart medication πŸ˜€


Proof Twilight at the New Moon Can Cause You to Eclipse the Breaking Dawn

Personally speaking, I am heartily sick of sparkling vampires and well-groomed werewolves. I’m not one to enjoy gory movies for the sake of being scared, mind you. But I firmly believe that vampires and werewolves should fall in the “gorefest” category, and not in the “sparkly” one. But the teens seemed to enjoy the Twilight saga, and it helped to encourage legions to read, so I can’t bash it too much.

A more realistic version of Twilight....

Anyway, Eldest was chatting (texting, whatever teens do nowadays) with a friend, when she turned to me and brought up the subject.

Eldest: Mom, did you know that Breaking Dawn opens on a school night?

Me: What they do is premier a movie on Thursday at midnight, so they can technically say it opened on Friday.

Eldest: Well, (her friend) wants us all to go at midnight to see it.

Me: Uh, no. It’s a school night, plus you have drill practice on Friday morning.

Eldest: I can get plenty of sleep. I’ll be home by 2 AM and get up by 6 AM.

Me: If you think you are going to a midnight showing on a school night, you are seriously deluded.

Eldest: Mom, you are using the wrong word. That’s not the one derived from delusional.

Me: Of course it is!

Eldest: Then what is the word you use when adding water?

Me: That’s DILUTED!!

Eldest: (laughing her derriere off).

I’m still not sure if that was a cleverly laid trap for me. I am sure, however, that she isn’t attending the midnight premiere πŸ˜‰

Oh, and this is possibly the longest post title I’ve ever done!


Cast the Die

If you haven’t guessed by now, I like to play with the titles of my posts. The previous post was a reference to the Superman villain, General Zod. As usual, my friends Soylent Green and John began speculating on who would be cast as General Zod in the next (yet again) reboot of Superman, called Man of Steel.

I am a traditionalist. Some movies roles I believe are iconic, and and a remake of a film can be tricky when you cast the wrong actor. John had suggested Russell Brand, which made my hackles rise. I would rather clip my nails in a Cuisinart than see him in that role. General Zod was bigger than life! He was statuesque, commanding, and a hell of a lot more refined in his cruelty than Brand could ever portray on screen. I’m rather out of the loop on current film stars, but had thought that perhaps Samuel L. Jackson could do a good job. And then I found out who got the part:

Seriously??

Matthew Shannon, people. And he is supposed to be a seasoned general, a contemporary of Kal-El’s father, and a total badass. Oh, and this is Kal-El:

Not too shabby...

Henry Cavill, best know for his role as Charles Brandon in The Tudors. He has the looks, I’ll give him that. But seeing as Shannon is only 9 years older than Cavill, I don’t see how Shannon can be a commanding presence.

Of course, this is Hollywood. I could be wrong, but I don’t think so (*cough* Superman Returns *cough*) πŸ˜‰