Aggie’s Unconventional Guide to Valentine’s Day

Let me be clear: I can’t stand Valentine’s Day.

I love the romance and the idea and history behind the holiday, don’t get me wrong. But the commercialism makes me all stabby while pukey. I have written posts in the past to help y’all with gift ideas for your beloved. Some have been obvious (my go-to Lolita glass of the week) and some have been a bit….. odd (Zen perfume made from roses grown outside our atmosphere). So here is my list for no-fail gifts this Valentine’s Day.

#5– Electric drill

Honestly, most women would like to own one just so they could put up their own wall decor and also have a handy tool for those times when you need to be….persuasive.

#4– Santoku knife

Who doesn’t want a knife??

#3– Ear plugs

For those times when you finally run out of patience with questions, be it from kids, or coworkers.

#2– Car wash pass

Show her you love her enough to worry about her manicure, or at least worry what the neighbor’s think of her vehicular trash can.

#1– Personal vacation

Sending your beloved somewhere on his or her own is a great way to show them that you love them. Why? Because your beloved needs time away from you before that electric drill becomes necessary. News at 11.

So there you go. A list of awesome gifts for your sweetheart. I have three santoku knives, several pairs of ear plugs, and I am angling for the drill next. Also, I am not responsible for any reaction you may get from your beloved if you choose to heed my advice. As usual, my advice is unsolicited and should always fall on deaf ears, especially those ears with ear plugs. But should you feel the need to give a safer, more conventional gift, roses are always a wonderful idea.

So the florist tells me 😉

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Thursday Never List

As y’all know, it’s Lent and I have a habit of giving up all sorts of things during the season, mostly to test my willpower. So far, I have been sticking to it just fine. The worst part is looking at my Lolita glass collection and knowing I won’t be using it for over a month. This is me for the next few weeks.

Over a month, people!!!

Sure, I can use one for a water glass, and probably will. But it’s just not the same. Little One offered to add food coloring to my water to make it look like a cocktail, but I declined. Her version of what looks like a cocktail is wildly different from mine. It’s not that I have a cocktail or glass of wine every night. It’s just that wine goes in a wine glass and cocktails go in a cocktail glass and water goes in a water glass. I don’t like messing with the order of things.

Anyway, I was looking at the cocktail board on Pinterest a few days ago and it gave me pause. There were some recipes there that called for some spirits best left in the Nether World, if you get my drift. I just don’t get how some people can drink some of the liquors and liqueurs out there. Seriously.

Liquor I Will Never Drink

#5– Chartreuse™

The color is named for its hue. Neither the color nor the taste is appealing to me.

#4– Ouzo

Tastes like oily rotted anise.

#3– Grappa

Fermented grape skins were violated in the making of that stuff.

#2– Jaegermeister™

It is a digestive aid. One doesn’t drink Mylanta™ for kicks, so why drink that stuff to get tipsy?

#1– Absynthe

If I want to take a trip, I will book one through a travel agent.

As far as I’m concerned, these liquors are best used in Molotov cocktails. Your mileage may vary, but I bet some of y’all secretly agree with me.

Especially on the Jaegermeister™ 😀

Thursday Never List

First week of school, and already I feel like I have signed enough paperwork to file an appeal to the SCOTUS. I don’t know why I was so excited for them to go back to school.

Oh right… peace and tranquillity. I can live with signing stuff for a while.

Anyway, it’s Thursday, and time for another Never List. This is a list that evolves, though, because it centers around food. I’m not talking about rare stuff like balut or haggis. I’m talking about foods you have access to eat on most occasions. There are some things that will ALWAYS stay on this list, no matter what. Some y’all will like, others you will probably ban just from the description. So, here are my top five of foods I’ll never, ever eat.

#5- Raw Oysters

Seriously, what is the attraction to that? It looks like you are ingesting an alien larva.

#4- Okra

The slime alone is enough to send warning bells through my digestive tract.

#3- Liver and Onions

Because I really don’t care for fava beans and chianti.

#2- Gumbo

Not only does it taste like dirt, it just sounds like Dumbo’s gangbanging twin.

#1- Cabbage/ Brussels Sprouts

If I wanted sulfur in my diet, I would eat rocks. The thought of ingesting either of these foods is enough to turn my stomach. I would rather shave my legs with a weedwacker than eat that stuff.

I am sure some will find my list a bit on the what-the-hades side, but I am more than sure some of the food y’all wouldn’t eat is on my list of noms 😀

The Sniffle Diaries

Well, it seems as though this South Texas winter wants to screw with our heads, not with weather but with pollen and viruses. For the past two weeks, I’ve had sick kids get better, only to fall sick again when someone at school brings something new to share. Today I have Little One at home, laying on the couch watching cartoon after cartoon after cartoon. At first it was Spongebob, then Ponies, then Looney Tunes, now Zim.

My brain is mushy.

Oh, thank goodness! She just turned it to Phineas and Ferb.

Anyway, having a sick kid usually means catering to their every need. Unfortunately, my Little One refuses to take any medications. BUT, she wants me to cure her ills. So for her I rely on providing liquids, heating pad, and ice pack for her headache. And chocolate. That seems to restore her happy mood.

If only I had thought of that. An apple a day has NOTHING on chocolate pills 😉

I’m Like Laura, Only Different

I have been sick for a couple of days, and in an effort to get better, I decided to do what Laura does and self medicate. Admittedly, I am not a big fan of gin and circus peanuts, though I have been known to OD on the circus peanuts back in my youth. Still, I figured that it just boiled down to alcohol and sugar, right? So I drank some wine and ate some jelly beans in the hopes that I would magically feel close to human again.

Well, I’m still sick. And I am now of the opinion that one should NEVER mix jelly beans with any kind of wine. Of course, last night I didn’t care that I was still sick, so that’s progress, right?

I think next time I will do a mixed drink and chocolate, instead.

Because everything goes well with chocolate 😉

How YOU Doin’??

What. A. Weekend.

It all began innocently enough. I had plans to go to a scrapbooking party on Saturday. I planned this MONTHS ago. That was my first mistake. I forgot that school functions get scheduled just a month out. So, we had a UIL meet, and the Military Ball both scheduled for that Saturday. I figured I was still Supermom, and could manage to fit my stuff around that schedule.

Until Son cut his head open on Friday afternoon.

And the train stopped on the main thoroughfare due to malfunction.

And Little One had after school practice.

And of course I panicked.

So, after inching in traffic for what seemed hours, I managed to pick up all the kidlets, dropped off the girls at home, and raced to urgent care, where Hubby was to meet us.

Yes, those are staples. I call him Frohnkenshteen now.

And this was just on Friday. Then Saturday arrived, and decided that plans were for wusses, because the UIL meet went longer than planned, and Son had elected to go to the Ball early to help, and Eldest had a friend come over to get ready, and of course I came down with a cold. And so, my plans were scratched. Again…

But no matter. One day I will learn my lesson. I will make plans only a week ahead of time, and maybe, just maybe they will go off without a hitch.

And one day pigs will fly 😉

Because Sickness is My Schtick, or Something

Today I have a sick teenager at home.  Though it is in my job description to be the resident Florence Nightingale, I am always struck but how the sick patient in question relies on my old wives tale style of nursing rather than on her father’s medical training. It never fails.

Sicko: Mom, I don’t feel so good.

Me: Hm… you better have your father check you.

Sicko: Why?

Me: Seriously, you have to ask??

Sicko: But you’re the mom.

Me: Ok, let me see…

(takes temp, feels for clamminess, etc.)

Me: I can make you a concoction of milk, onion juice, ginger and cinnamon which may help.

Sicko: I guess I’ll have dad check me out…

Works every time. Ironically, so does the concoction. Unfortunately, it was something my grandmother made for pain, and she has no recipe for it. Which when you think about the ingredients, I’m kind of relieved.

Guess I will stick with ibuprofen, then 😉

Snot the End of the World

But it sure feels like it.

I have been fighting a cold since the family reunion, but it seems the virus has decided to teach me a lesson in humility by reminding me that it has been around longer than Homo sapiens sapiens has.

Fine….FINE!!!

YOU WIN, RHINOVIRUS!!!

But ArmedGeek was kind enough to send me this this morning, so enjoy:

STEAMPUNK STORMTROOPER!!!

I’m going back to bed, after I finish the laundry and clean upstairs. Also, I sprayed the blog with Lysol™, so y’all should be fine. Just remember to wash your eyeballs after reading.

Hope y’all stay healthy 😉

All Good Things….

….must come to an end.

I try to stay away from politics at this blog. But today I just can’t. The Supreme Court has just ruled that it is constitutional to tax citizens for the privilege of breathing and living. Remember, healthcare isn’t free. Nothing is, not even our freedom, for that always comes with a very high price. A price some pay for others to ignore.

So long USA, and thanks for all the fish.

Sooner or Later…

I knew it. I just KNEW I was going to get sick. I avoided a full blown cold during the holidays, but eventually it will out.

Crap. Crap. Crap.

I don’t mind being sick. I mind having to slug through the ordinary chores like playing taxi and grocery shopping and running to the post office and laundry and cooking. Just once I would love to lay in bed while the kids catered to me. That would be awesome! Not going to happen until the weekend, though, and hopefully by then I’ll be fine.

I’m l’exhausted, and thinking that passing out on the couch is a wonderful idea.

Ok, it’s always a wonderful idea, but this time I have a great excuse 😀