I am getting rather cantankerous in my old age. I don’t go to the movies often, not just because it is outrageously expensive but also because the movie plots tend to get me mad. It is difficult sitting there and keeping quiet when all you want to do is scream about how a monkey could have done a better job of writing this massive waste of celluloid. Or worse, how the whole plots could have been resolved in FIVE MINUTES!!!
For example, take The Lord of the Rings trilogy and The Hobbit trilogy. The first time I watched it it was all “Oooooh!!!” and “WOW!!!” and “ZOMG!!!”. But the second time all I could think about was how they could have just flown the eagles over the mountain and dropped the damn ring in there. I understand the concept of “allegory” but I also understand the concept of “logic”.
And then there’s Sleeping Beauty. Walt Disney loved to bring a fairy tale to life. Few people know he was actually involved in The Little Mermaid way back in the 1940’s. Dude was all about the “happily ever after”. But every time that movie comes on, all I can think about how all the angst could have been avoided if only they had sent an invitation to Maleficent!!! That’s it. She wouldn’t have even shown up anyway had she been invited.
And I don’t even have to explain my abhorrence for Fifty Shades of Grey. Or is it “Gray”? Sometimes English confuses me. But c’mon! A good looking guy tells you to sign a contract so he will own you and you have no rights whatsoever? Leaving the domestic abuse issue aside, the horrible writing, the impossibility of a 26 year old billionaire, and all the trappings, who would sign a contract to be treated like offal?
I should stop here. I know that Lent is having an effect on me. Ok, lack of chocolate is having this effect on me. Fine….FINE!!! Lack of wine, too. I have two weeks to go and miles before I am done. But I have patience, will, and time.
And a box of Peeps with my name on it 😀
March 19th, 2015 at 11:19 AM
“For example, take The Lord of the Rings trilogy and The Hobbit trilogy. The first time I watched it it was all “Oooooh!!!” and “WOW!!!” and “ZOMG!!!”. But the second time all I could think about was how they could have just flown the eagles over the mountain and dropped the damn ring in there. I understand the concept of “allegory” but I also understand the concept of “logic”.”
One does not simply fly over Mordor.
March 19th, 2015 at 11:53 AM
The point is, one could 😉
March 19th, 2015 at 1:14 PM
9 Nazghul with kung-fu grip and Flying Battle Dragons. Entire race of thousands of giant eagles. I still fail to see *why* they couldn’t have done this other than Tolkien would not be remembered today had he done so (same with Shakespere….had he just said “Dude, Romeo, lets get it on” instead of launching into a five-minute monologue of flowery language that would stretch the limits of any modern thesaurus, we wouldn’t have been forced to read his plays in school). So, in the balance of things, being a life-long scifi/fantasy fan BECAUSE of the LOTR and Hobbit books, I rationalize that the eagles are insanely introverted bastards who wanted to hog all the glory for saving the day for themselves and cull the earth of some pesky ground-dwellers at the same time. Again….bastards.
March 19th, 2015 at 1:25 PM
“eagles are insanely introverted bastards who wanted to hog all the glory for saving the day for themselves”
Which always pisses off the non-Philly fans…
March 19th, 2015 at 1:36 PM
I wrote the Iggles off when they signed Vick. *spits*
March 19th, 2015 at 12:37 PM
Yes, the loss of chips, pasta, bread, potatoes… It is tangible. Chocolate for you is much much worse.
March 19th, 2015 at 1:37 PM
And yet, I WILL OVERCOME!!! 😀
March 19th, 2015 at 1:32 PM
Yeah….ever since that writers’ strike a buncha years back, it seems like there is virtually NO creative talent in Hollywould anymore (Joss Whedon and several other notable exceptions exist, of course). Everything is a reboot of this or a remake of that or a big-screen adaptation of ______ (insert book, comic book, old TV show, etc. here). And don’t even get me started on Disney’s “happily ever after” drivel. I’ve read “Hunchback of Notre Dame”. I’ve read “The Three Musketeers” (Alexandre Dumas has to be at/near the top of the literary pantheon). Disney….STOP JACKING UP PERFECTLY GOOD STORIES!!!! Esmirelda dies. Cap’n Whazzizname was a sexist bastard who didn’t even know she existed outside of a nice pair of boobs and moved on to the next ditzy morsel as soon as he could. Quasimodo gets stuck in the cathedral and stays a hermit. And quit telling the same two or three chapters of Musketeers….the book is huge and amazingly complex. Try reading it sometime. And then out of respect for its genius, quit hacking it up (I like steampunk…but…). And don’t touch Count of Monte Cristo again. Ever. You simply aren’t worthy.
March 19th, 2015 at 1:38 PM
Amen to everything, but especially The Count of Monte Cristo. Times eleventy.
March 20th, 2015 at 2:00 PM
🙂 I knew I liked you for more than your choice in edged gardening implements!!
March 20th, 2015 at 9:32 PM
I have many facets. Just not the sparkly kind 😀
March 21st, 2015 at 7:00 PM
He makes a mean sammich, too. One of my all-time favorites. 😀
March 21st, 2015 at 8:29 PM
Absolutely. A beam of light appears from the heavens and the Hallelujah Chorus plays in the background whenever the waiter delivers my Monte Cristo.
March 22nd, 2015 at 8:48 PM
Smartipants 😛
March 19th, 2015 at 7:24 PM
Monte Cristo was suggested by an old teacher of mine who said “You will love this character.” Boy did she have me pegged.
March 20th, 2015 at 8:30 AM
It’s my son’s favorite book. My son the mech engineering major with aspirations of being a physicist.
You may have influenced him a bit during your vacation here 😀
March 20th, 2015 at 1:59 PM
The Count was the only book I’d read multiple times (the librarian on base almost gave me the book just to save time) before it was ever added to “age-appropriate reading list” in highschool. Once I get my braincell retrained to read the lingo of the time, the book gives me chills at what he is able to do to his enemies. The movie? Not even the equivalent of a movie trailer compared to what he did.
And the bastards deserved every minute of it.
March 20th, 2015 at 2:09 PM
Why didn’t the eagles just fly in?
1. Sauron has Anti-Air capability. Trust me on this.
2. Hobbits are not air droppable, no matter what it might say on the label.
3. At the end of the day, the ring had to be manually carried into the side of the mountain to access the mystic force in which it was made. Bunging it down the chimney wont work.
March 20th, 2015 at 9:31 PM
Yes, yes…. I understand. It still grates on me 😀
Sorry you got caught in the spam!
March 20th, 2015 at 5:37 PM
full disclosure, i didn’t read 50 shades of grey. but i’ve seen excerpts and the lack of writing talent made me cringe. Pretty sure I wouldn’t have made it through the whole thing. I do understand the psychology behind the submissive thing. If you just do what you are told you don’t have to take any responsibility for your actions and behavior. Not my cup of tea, not the basis for a healthy relationship but it does have a certain allure for some people.
March 20th, 2015 at 9:35 PM
I tried reading it because my friends recommended it. A friend loaned me her book, and by the time I reached Chapter 2 I had corrected so much of the grammar with a pencil, I ended up buying a new copy for her.
I used the old one for a book folding project, and then tinted the pages so no one could read them. Only time I have defaced a book 😀
March 21st, 2015 at 9:34 AM
was it defacing or an act of mercy.? 🙂
If you want to read a book by someone with a good grasp of the English language and the ability to “turn a good phrase” Try a Dean Koontz book. If you just lived a little closer I’d loan you one of mine but unfortunately I’m rooted in the northeast. (whole family is here and parents too old to move) I’m pretty sure you’re in a warmer clime.
March 21st, 2015 at 8:35 PM
Koontz is good (went through a Koontz phase in late high-school/early-Navy days), but after a while, all of his books/plots/characters seem to sound a lot alike. For a REALLY good “turn a good phrase”, you should try out Piers Anthony’s “Xanth” novels. These books are what inspired me to master the art of tweaking the English language, with its glorious plethora of words/phrases that have multiple meanings….especially when its not a commonly-used meaning. I have discovered that very few sentences in the English language cannot be tweaked or flat out mutated into a completely different meaning/subject matter simply by applying another definition to a word or two. And watching other people’s eyes glaze over as they try to keep up….priceless!
March 22nd, 2015 at 6:45 PM
I don’t read much fantasy because most of it seems to be in series. I love science fiction. I know it is lumped with fantasy but it isn’t the same. My all time favorite author is Robert Heinlein.
I do appreciate someone who can use the English language to its full extent. Maybe I’ll give Piers Anthony a shot during my next vacation.
March 22nd, 2015 at 8:54 PM
True story: I walked into my high school physics class and had one of my Heinlein books. Teacher looks and sees it and said, “Thank God. It’s Friday” 😀
March 22nd, 2015 at 8:51 PM
RA, I gave up on Xanth after “Vale of the Vole”. But “Spell for Chameleon” is still one of my favorite fantasy books evah!!
March 26th, 2015 at 7:43 AM
I moved on from Xanth to more “mature” fantasy books after I discovered the Dragonlance and Forgotten Realms worlds. But for pure comedic word-twisting gold, I still hold a soft spot for Xanth. How many times have I yearned for an eye-queue vine of my own (worn on the head, it raises your IQ), or wished for an award statuette of the southern end of a north-facing cat (cat ass trophy….say it out loud, and as one word)….
March 22nd, 2015 at 8:48 PM
Lightning is my all time fave!!!
March 26th, 2015 at 7:40 AM
“Dark Rivers of the Heart” was awesome too, gotta love huge shadow .gov agencies!!
March 22nd, 2015 at 5:03 AM
I have been to domestics where I have dealt with women that I fully believe would quite happily sign such an agreement.
March 22nd, 2015 at 8:46 PM
*blinks*