I am NOT a happy camper right now.
About a year ago, one of those college/ vocational/ tech institute students came by selling magazines. My heartstrings are always plucked like chicken feathers. Anyway, he was just a few “points” from getting the level and so I decided to choose a couple of harmless magazines. That usually means family or cooking oriented. Well, they had Family Fun, which I like because it has a lot of ideas for young kids, which can also be adapted for older ones. And since he begged so nicely, I decided to order Rachael Ray’s magazine.
No, I don’t like Rachael Ray. Her perkiness drives me nuts, and feels like a cheese grater on my nerves. But it was the only cooking magazine that wasn’t labelled as “light” or “healthy”. And no, before you freak out I am NOT against eating light or healthy. I just like to do the healthy substitutions or tweaking on a regular recipe if I wish to do so. It’s easier to trim down a regular fat recipe than fatten up a thinned out one. I think I’m rambling and y’all don’t understand, but it doesn’t matter. What matters is that I ordered her magazine with the full intent to be more creative in my cooking, and instead, I got Newsweek.
I have nothing against Newsweek. Obviously, I don’t care for its political slant, but they have the freedom to do that. No, what bothers me is that I ordered a cooking magazine, and GOT A NEWS MAGAZINE INSTEAD!!!
And on what world does the spelling of Every Day with Rachael Ray look like Newsweek?? He wrote the title, and the numbers that corresponded were not even close to each other. I swear I’m being tested.
And if another salesdude or chick comes by selling magazines, I will greet them with machete in hand. 😉
September 16th, 2012 at 8:49 AM
I’ve found that I didn’t even read the magazines I got, so I quit buying from those salesguys. One of the most effective ways to get them to stop coming up to your door (cuz there’s quite a few who can’t read the “No Soliciting” sign JUST ABOVE THE FRIKKIN DOORBELL), last time I had someone ask, I was working in my garage. He came up as I stood my project up. After I said “no thank you” (yes, I was polite), he took a glance at the gun rack I was assembling, and left. I haven’t been bothered since.
September 16th, 2012 at 9:27 AM
It might be worth it to work on a gun rack, though I imagine if they ever see me honing my machete they may get the hint 😀
September 16th, 2012 at 9:48 AM
Every solicitor/salesperson is a chance to showcase my wares and skills.
Y’gott’a bust ’em away from their sales script, so I’ll squint into their eyes n’ say “Do you intend to be alive tomorrow?”
Now, that can be interpreted in many sobering ways.. so, when I can see that the script has vaporized,, ‘follow with “You’ll only be older,,SO we shouldn’t waste precious time,, Let me me do your personal photo/video personification today,, c’mon down to the studio, you’re gonna love the way I make you look,,”
NEVER let ’em regroup n’ return to the script.
September 16th, 2012 at 10:16 AM
I’m laughing so hard, I choked on my coffee!
September 16th, 2012 at 9:50 AM
Ohyeah,, don’t forget to secure your back doors before they distract you at the front..
September 16th, 2012 at 11:55 AM
Wow, I’m surprised you actually got a magazine.
When this last happened, kid spun a C&B story about being a ‘neighbor’ (country area) and was asking for magazines for deployed troops. That way, I’d never see ’em anyway. Was comfortable wasting his time and planning my best ‘no,’ when the stupid, 90-pound jet black Shepard came out and bit through his shoe.
I estimated that a $200 ‘subscription package’ would avoid legal action. Was right about that, anyway.
September 16th, 2012 at 1:25 PM
I used to be a sucker. Not anymore 😀
September 16th, 2012 at 12:51 PM
Those door to door magazine sellers are usually kids going from town to town in some van, not really local students. Remember how they used to just mob Aggieland back at the start of every Fall semester?
September 16th, 2012 at 1:25 PM
I was lucky. I was in a locked dorm 😉
September 16th, 2012 at 1:16 PM
Rachel Ray merely has to say “EVOO” and giggle before my hackles go up. I would pay good money to see a 10″ chef knife fight between her and the gal from Barefoot Contessa – perky vs. pretentious – in a full cage match. Survivor takes all. Debate can then ensue as to what to actually do with the winner.
If you do end up going for a machete will you please provide footage and commentary? Or if you show up at the door while cleaning a gun, could you do the same?
LC LtC – did your shepherd get steak for dinner that night? Seems to me that he saw a threat and moved to neutralize it without hesitation.
September 16th, 2012 at 1:26 PM
Damn skippy I will 😀
September 16th, 2012 at 3:00 PM
Thanks for your upbeat thought, L King. I used the adjective ‘stupid’ with purpose. Poor beast was afraid of everything and attacked everything. No one would board him, so we couldn’t travel, even overnight. Lost him finally to fistulas, but it was probably best. That dog made my life very small for a couple years.
September 16th, 2012 at 4:15 PM
If you follow the link: http://www.cracked.com/article_19578_5-most-badass-soldiers-ever-happened-to-be-dogs.html
Scroll down to the dog “Smoky” in a WWII GI helmet. I don’t normally care for toy dogs but I’d take that one in a heartbeat. It was also cute enough that even I went “Awww. Dammit… .Awwww.” Cruel Wife even said “Gee, you NEVER do that.”
If that doesn’t help take the sting out of the stupid shepherd, I don’t know what will.
September 16th, 2012 at 5:16 PM
OMG!! That’s so…. *sniff*
September 16th, 2012 at 5:27 PM
I love dogs and they love me. We lost three in two years, the last being this tormented Shepherd (sp correction). I’m sorta wore out for now. However, for any of y’all who are currently ‘holding’, I’d LOVE to come over and play with your dog!
Hell, I greet them on the street before acknowledging their accompanying humans.
September 17th, 2012 at 6:39 AM
I can vouch for this 🙂
September 17th, 2012 at 9:17 AM
Heh, on the fight scene, all I can picture is the big Star Trek Q-tip fight, with the “da-da-da-da-da-da-da-dahhhh” music in the background.
September 17th, 2012 at 9:36 AM
September 16th, 2012 at 2:06 PM
I only get Mormons and Jehovah’s Witnesses out here in the boonies, and then only rarely. The last salesman was 4 or 5 years ago, and he was selling septic tank treatment.
September 16th, 2012 at 4:09 PM
A past roommate of mine answered the door to some Jehovah’s Witnesses. At some point his religious status came up and he said he was covered. I think they asked him if he was affiliated with God, and he re-enacted the event faithfully reproducing his best evil golden-retriever BS grin (you could easily picture it):
Which was patently BS but still disturbing as hell, even knowing he was just screwing with them.
They left quite soon after that.
September 16th, 2012 at 5:16 PM
My dad worked shift work for 31 years. When he was on midnight shift, my mom put a sign OVER the doorbell saying, “PLEASE DO NOT Ring the Doorbell”. Two Jehovah’s Witness ladies lifted the sign to ring the doorbell. Dad answered the door in his underwear.
Now my dad has always been an intimidating figure – 6′ 2″, 250 lbs or so. These ladies were not daunted and went into their spiel. He grinned at them, opened the door a little wider so they got an eyeful, and said nicely, “Why don’t you come inside and we’ll discuss it.” They *ran* down the sidewalk.
My grandmother always flew a US flag, and she would invite the Jehovah Witnesses in, but only if they joined her in the Pledge of Allegiance first.
September 16th, 2012 at 5:18 PM
My best friend answered the door when JWs came knocking wearing a russkie fur hat, ratty bathrobe, and combat boots. The robe was open, and that was all that covered him. That was the last time he got a visit 😀
September 16th, 2012 at 7:07 PM
Had an instructor at “prototype”, up in Idaho Falls (Mormon town…yellowpages had 6 pages full of Mormon temples, tabernacles, libraries, etc, and ONE single entry for a Baptist church…narrowed my search down a bit!), who kept telling them to go away. They never listened to him, of course, until he answered the door after finishing some housework (dirty shorts, wifebeater, etc), flashed his most winning smile, and said “yeah, sure! Y’all c’mon in, we’re almost done nailing the upside-down cross back up, the pentagram is nice and fresh from this morning’s chickens, my wife/daughter is breaking out the black candles, and the sacrificial goats should be here any minute.” Said he’d never seen anyone run that fast in slacks and dress shoes before. And the only person to ring his doorbell after that was the UPS guy.
‘Course, this was the same instructor who said his goal on his last day at that duty station was to climb up on top of the local Mormon temple and replace the angel Meroni’s (or whatever his name is) trumpet with a huge bong. Man, that woulda been awesome to see!
September 17th, 2012 at 6:48 AM
HA! Sounds like he was a fun guy 🙂
September 16th, 2012 at 5:04 PM
Must be nice…. 😉
September 16th, 2012 at 6:44 PM
LC, I have a sithy for you.
September 17th, 2012 at 6:47 AM
*runs to check*
*laughs fool head off*
*swipes for future use*
September 17th, 2012 at 2:14 PM
I have a “Beware of Dog sign, as well as a No Soliciting. Seriously, if the JW’s show up, all you have to say is “I believe Jesus Christ is my saviour”. Trust me on this…works every time.