I’m Officially a Cantankerous Old Lady

And I am being kind.

Yesterday, I was outside trimming the dead branches off my Pride of Barbados shrubs, bushes….whatever they are. They are supposed to grow to six feet, and mine are ten feet tall. Yes, I need a stepstool. Anyway, I was off in my little world of garden beautification when I hear kids walking into the cul-de-sac. Normally this is fine, but I know the kids around here are all gone for vacation somewhere. So I turn to look and see that they are walking up the sidewalk, tossing a football back and forth. “How cool,” I think to myself. I like to see kids being active.

And then the coolness factor stopped when they got on my crappy lawn to throw the football on a long pass!!!

Me: Excuse me, but you are on the lawn.

Kid #1: We are throwing a football.

Me: I see that, but you need to respect people’s property.

Kid #2: It’s just a football, man.

Me: That’s “Lady”, and GET OFF MY LAWN!!

The only thing missing was my shotgun.

The machete may have intimidated them, though. Now, I am not one to freak out if someone is on my crappy lawn, ok? The kids around the cul-de-sac have come and gone with their skateboards, bikes, rollerblades, whatever. But they had asked if it was ok. These kids took it for granted that the whole place was their playing field, and that is just wrong. Respect for other people’s property is something we were taught as kids. I get the vibe some of us are slacking off in teaching that lesson.

Now, I’m off to go dig some holes for yet another Pride of Barbados and a few Lumbagos. I can’t seem to kill those. If I start yelling at the birds to get off my lawn, I’ll know I have a problem 😉

About LC Aggie Sith

Machete-wielding zombie killer when not shopping for shoes. View all posts by LC Aggie Sith

37 responses to “I’m Officially a Cantankerous Old Lady

  • Hookers and Booze » I’m Officially a Cantankerous Old Lady

    […] If I start yelling at the birds to get off my lawn, I’ll know I have a problem Crossposted at Sithy. | Tags: bubblewrap, ignorance, mental boobery, well-there-you-go-again« Booze of the WeekBe […]

  • Tiberius

    You mean the occutards weren’t your first heads up that some are slacking off on teaching that lesson?

  • flyoverhere

    I don’t have neighbors so the only thing I want to stay off my lawn are snakes! I never yell at them…..shoot first and ask questions later…..no second chances here!

  • LCSteve

    You would be surprised at how well land mines, placed around the perimeter of your yard, keep kids off your lawn. Just sayin’ . . .

  • LC LtC

    I commented over on Hookers & Booze.

  • Julie O'Keefe Yost

    Oh…that is SO me! A couple months ago, when our grass was particularly thirsty looking, I was in the front, and some of the “cute” neighbor girls (honestly, they are usually VERY nice…) starting riding their bikes across our yard. Really? So, I said in my sweetest Mrs. Kravitz voice, “Girls, please don’t ride your bikes on our grass :)” One spouted off, “who cares, it’s dead anyway!” Now, though it looked dead, it just hadn’t come back to life yet…I digress. Then came the NOT nice me: “Really? You didn’t just say that to me, did you?…I asked you nicely to not ride on the grass, and that’s how you answered me? Get off our grass. now.” bam. 😉
    I do remember when I was little, my Dad (who is THE most amazing Dad) was the Dad who yelled at kids to “get off the yard!” and I was mortified. I am that person now. So….You’re in good company…or at least grumpy company. 😉

  • B.C.

    Keep a couple of those holes empty so you can have a handy place to quickly hide the machete-hacked body parts. 😀

  • RabidAlien

    Two syllables: “Clay” and “More”. And always remember….”this side towards enemy”.

  • RoundHammer117

    I feel perhaps that, as opposed to slacking-ness, preventing social mores from being taught, it is lawyers.

    “Dat guy yelled at my kid fer stompin’ onna grass an’ kicking over his garden gnome! Imma’ sue!”

    And since we have a surplus population of lawyers . . . they all have to make work to justify not being relocated to the bottom of a lake.

    This is why public parks which cost taxpayers over $400,000 now lie destroyed by these domestic insurgents. Why private areas that cost much more are laid to waste. Yet these wannabe revolutionaries are coddled because we know “The Aclu” – social plague carriers – will jump in if real measures are taken.

    How many times has it made the news about children acting like savages, and yet the talking ditto-heads ask why? Lawyers. They prevent society from giving the little cuss a smack in the head when they get out of line. Human beings are innately violent savages – look at the middle east – only the structure of society instills the concept of civility and Citizenship.

    Sometimes that requires pain compliance for the ones less gifted with higher thinking. Sometimes they cannot learn, requiring the making an example of them.

    There was a pack of tony soprano wannabes and jersey shore rejects that lived next door. Cannot use the term family as they all hated and fought each other, to the point that nearly every police officer in the precinct knew the address. When they were not fighting each other, they were trying to fight anyone around them.

    One evening, they had a real problem with my downstairs neighbor for taking the trash out. Three of their military-age males decended upon him with improvised weapons: a broken broomstick, a 40oz beer bottle and a mop head. As blows started landing, they saw me appear. I loaded and aimed an M1 Garand at them, similar to Mr.Eastwood.

    Difference was, this was hard ammo.

    Their plan had fallen apart and they were in full panic, not knowing what to do. Yet instead of complying with the Baseline Rule – “The Citizen with the Rifle is Always Right” – they foolishly did the opposite. They continued with the rules of their “Guido Sub-Culture” environment, where everything is bluff and bluster. They started threatening my life, with imaginary “mob” connections, their own crew of “heavy hitters”, or their personal means of ending my life. These threats were made by the family, who materialized immediately, all twelve of them.

    They are the kind that gave Catholics their historically negative reputation.

    I, as a son of Irishmen, at least know when to keep it in my pants.

    One of the three hostiles, the youngest, most stupid and easily flustered of them, tried to charge up my stairs.

    The ONLY thing that prevented his head from violently coming apart from the nose up was the fact he tripped and fell on his face.

    It saved his brother’s lives, too, because they would have caught the next rounds downrange.

    One of the teenage girls at that point – perhaps she paid attention to how I indexed the trigger and had him sighted as he got up – screamed at him to back off.

    I called the police, who told them I would have been justified in shooting all three of their boys. As it would be self-defense under disparity of force. Considering the family’s history of disturbing the peace, petty crime, low intensity violence, domestic issues and drug possession . . . it would not even see a grand jury.

    I identified myself to the LEOs and gave an informal after action report, as they opted not to include me in the official report. Upon leaving, an officer told me: “These scumbags pull anything again, Sergeant, you do what you have to do to survive. You guys are worth ten thousand of them on your worst day.”

    The next day returning from work, the one who came within a heartbeat of dying was bragging to a boy and girl about the night before. As he described it, he single-handedly fought off the entire saddam fedayeen, republican guard, taliban, the viet cong, north vietnamese regular army, the khmer rouge, the raging mongolian hordes . . . and the stay-puft marshmellow man all by his lonesome.

    When he noticed me, he said: “Oh, yeah, dis’ is da’ guy, right he-ya.”

    I stopped and looked at him for a long time. Since I wear sunglasses and they could not see my eyes, it made it uncomfortable for them. I actually did not have to say: “Well I am right here, boy.” Yet he heard me loud and clear. All three of them did.

    Later that week, I showed up at their door in uniform with my Squad Leader, Platoon Sergeant, First Sergeant and CO. My PSG and 1SG are NYPD and State Police and my CO is FBI . . .

    My Squad Leader is an actor . . . but a really cool one.

    They presented their credentials and made it clear that if there was any further threats or disturbance, the Sixty-Ninth Infantry would get involved. I was one of their Team Leaders and instructors and it would not be tolerated. My Platoon Sergeant stated plainly that they, as an italian family, would have to deal with a Rifle Company, of at least half of which were Puerto Ricans.

    The ones I did not kill, he emphasized.

    They got reaaaaaaal quiet after that. Later that year they moved away.

    My neighbor is a good man who runs his own limo service. He did nothing wrong that evening, other than not cower to a pack of underfed hyenas. It would have entertaining to watch him turn one of them into a pretzel, but three on one with weapons? Things would have gotten out of control and I know they would have killed him. “Not fer’ nuttin’, dat’ wuz’ on ack-cee-dent!”

    That is the wrong answer.

    Whenever my personal morale sinks a bit, I recall those events; things perk right up.

    Lawyers would have just made a long, greasy mess of it. Remember Gibbs’ Rule Thirteen.

    Though I think The Master Bard’s plan is more preferable at times.

  • Nicole

    Ah, older isn’t necessarily worse. 🙂 You get a free pass on “get offa my lawn” grumpiness. 🙂


    Well, I suggest you have an un-girly drink…


  • reiuxcat

    I chased some kids off the snow because they were ruining the untouched clean look I wanted for photos. Meh

  • flujan

    You are so funny… Now you need the tri blade dagger…. Check it… That will scare ’em off…

  • GuyS

    This is an old button, used a few years back…but you are more than welcome to take it and make a sign for the front yard! https://navvet55.wordpress.com/wp-admin/media.php?attachment_id=1629&action=edit

  • The Real Dave

    Some people just don’t get the concept of “private property”. Or teach their kids what it means.

%d bloggers like this: