I’m not the best housewife, or cook, or parent. As most of us do, I learn as I go, and in 17 and a half years of marriage and parenthood, I have learned a few things:
- There is a difference between baking powder and baking soda. This can mean the difference between muffins, and paperweights.
- Never put dishwashing liquid in a dishwasher. Unless you also need to shampoo the carpet in the living room.
- Bedroom doors are not made of solid wood. Any holes made by errant feet can be covered with a pretty kickplate.
- The only good thing about Berber carpeting is its ability to keep dogs entertained as it unravels.
- Spouses should never have similar looking razors. It can mean the difference between “baby smooth”, and “Leatherface”.
- Buttermilk is not made by adding butter to milk.
- Checking pockets prior to washing will not only save you from having to wipe down lipgloss in the dryer with cleaner, but can also net you a nice $20 tip.
- Water resistant does not mean waterproof, especially when it comes to watches, and mp3 players holding hours of music that you paid for.
- A child using a rake to clean up leaves outside is a Good Thing™. The same child using a rake to clean a room inside is not.
- Ceiling fans are NOT propellers. Nor are they for swinging toys like superheroes.
I’m sure y’all have your own list. Mine seems to be unending 😉
September 28th, 2011 at 10:31 AM
If your 7 year old boy says he’s going to the bathroom, give him 3 minutes then check to make sure he isn’t stuffing an entire roll of TP in the toilet in an effort to make sure his hind quarters are clean.
September 28th, 2011 at 10:54 AM
A fork, flushed down a toilet, will baffle your plunging/snaking attempts. You need to take the entire thing apart.
Buy two wax seals, because you will f*ck up the first attempt to reseat.
September 28th, 2011 at 12:02 PM
A hair brush will have a similar effect.
September 28th, 2011 at 2:23 PM
So will a miniature Power Ranger.
September 28th, 2011 at 11:03 AM
When your thoughtful toddler brings Mommy a glass of water to help with her headache while resting on the couch, take a moment to wonder what faucet your tiny tyke could possibly reach. Chances are you’ve just been gifted with toilet water…NOT the good smelling kind! 😛
September 28th, 2011 at 11:09 AM
When you ask your wife “What’s the matter?” and she replies “Nothing…”
it is 110% certain that something IS wrong, and you are in the doghouse.
Whether you deserve to be , or not.
September 28th, 2011 at 6:51 PM
If this is followed by one, or more, heavy sighs, you are in the deepest of doo-doo. (Guilty or not…it’s a moot point.) If at the same time, your guardian Angel is sadly shaking his head, and rapidly heading away from you … sleeping in the car for the next few days is not an altogether bad idea.
September 28th, 2011 at 11:14 AM
If you hear “uh-oh” and the toilet flush, it’s already too late.
September 28th, 2011 at 11:25 AM
If the kids are up in their room, and being REAAAALLLY quiet….
And you keep hearing the front door open and close more than usual…..
And you have kittens in your house, and your kids heard that cats ALWAYS land on their feet……
September 28th, 2011 at 12:05 PM
Re: #9 – Apparently you haven’t seen my oldest daughter’s room. Although a shovel would work better than a rake.
September 28th, 2011 at 12:29 PM
worthy of Erma Bombeck…Love the list!
September 28th, 2011 at 12:46 PM
you are a very observant wife, Mom and pet owner! I learned several on your list the hard way….:-)
September 28th, 2011 at 2:25 PM
Re: #2 – My best friend & I found that one out the hard way at seventeen while we were doing his mom’s dishes while she was at work. We did manage to clean up the resulting mess before she got home, though it took every towel in the house to do so.
September 28th, 2011 at 6:56 PM
Explaining to your somewhat niave spouse what a “Dutch Oven” is, by way of a direct (and rather long and loud) example, and expecting to either:
A. Have marital relations later
B. Remain sleeping in the same bed for at least the remainder of the evening (much less, the rest of the week)
is the hight of fantasy.
September 29th, 2011 at 7:46 AM
My version of clean and Buttercup’s version of clean are 2 very different things….
September 29th, 2011 at 8:47 AM
Hmm…adding to point number 10, a kid who puts on a batman cape and cowl and then throws a rope over one of the blades of the ceiling fan and tries to hang on in hopes that it will spin him around through the air so he can do a real superhero imitation is quite doomed to failure.
September 29th, 2011 at 8:48 AM
Oh, and I have a movie challenge up at my place, for anyone wanting to test their film smarts.
September 29th, 2011 at 8:54 AM
Also, when you hear your kid’s bedroom door open, and hear the footsteps of your kid and his friend trying to walk quietly down the stairs from his bedroom level to the sliding glass door in the kitchen leading to the backyard, and you hear your kid trying to whisper to his friend, “shh, now wait till we get outside, my mom freaks out when she sees fire”, it’s always cause for investigation. Fast, too.
True story, happened to my wife one day when she was downstairs in the living room on the couch reading a book while my son was playing with his friend upstairs. She put a stop to their planned activities right quick.
September 29th, 2011 at 9:37 AM
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
September 29th, 2011 at 12:11 PM
17 years of marriage?
You got married when you were 2?
September 29th, 2011 at 12:46 PM
You get a cookie, wamk 😉
September 29th, 2011 at 4:40 PM
i like cookies.
September 29th, 2011 at 4:41 PM
by the way, the guy in the video on Christie at WAMK? That’s Piker.
September 29th, 2011 at 5:41 PM
I couldn’t load the video before, but I left a response for our friend 😉