Kuhula is the New Southwest Airlines

Kulula is an African airline with its head office located in Johannesburg. Kulula Airlines attendants make an effort to make the in-flight safety lecture and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

Courtesy of Casey Research

1. On a flight with a very “senior” flight attendant crew, the pilot said, “Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants.”

2. On landing, a stewardess said, “Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you’re going to leave anything, please make sure it’s something we’d like to have.”

3. “There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane.”

4. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Durban Airport , a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: “Whoa, big fella. Whoa!”

5. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in the Karoo, a flight attendant announced, “Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted.”

6. From a Kulula employee: “Welcome aboard Kulula 271 to Port Elizabeth. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and if you don’t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn’t be out in public unsupervised.”

7. “In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite.”

8. “Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Kulula Airlines.”

Courtesy of Casey Research

9. “Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.”

10. “As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.”

11. From a pilot during his welcome message: “Kulula Airlines is pleased to announce that we have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!”

12. On a Kulula flight into Cape Town on a particularly windy and bumpy day, the captain really had to fight during the final approach. After an extremely hard landing, the flight attendant said, “Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to The Mother City. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what’s left of our airplane to the gate!”

13. Another flight attendant’s comment on a less-than-perfect landing: “We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.”

Courtesy of Casey Research

14. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a “Thanks for flying our airline.” He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.

Finally, everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, “Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?”

“Why, no, ma’am,” said the pilot. “What is it?”

The little old lady said, “Did we land, or were we shot down?”

15. After a real crusher of a landing in Johannesburg , the attendant came on with, “Ladies and gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we will open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.”

Hat tip to Hubby, who couldn’t stop laughing at me as I read this 😀

About LC Aggie Sith

Machete-wielding zombie killer when not shopping for shoes. View all posts by LC Aggie Sith

9 responses to “Kuhula is the New Southwest Airlines

  • Rather

    Everyone forgets about the shifting and I was hit with a bottle of wine from an overhead bin -the bastard didn’t even let me keep it

  • flyoverhere

    Are you sure this airline isn’t Southwest’s sister airline. The comments sound suspiciously Texan…..maybe the attendants were trained here? I think for sure the little old lady was from Texas, LOL!

  • John D

    Those were good. I had the same thought as flyoverhere, very reminiscent of Southwest.

  • Nomstress

    LOL…now if the TSA could just find their sense of humor! Perhaps some cross training? As in actually having to get onto the airplane…

    Really really funny Aggie! And I needed a good laugh today!

  • seabee0723

    I’ve NEVER heard comments anywhere near as funny as that during a flight. I suppose I’ve never flown on Southwest. I’m thinking with humor like that, if I ever get a chance to it will be one of the best flights I’ll ever have.

  • Aewl

    I don’t know. It may just be me, but the comments seem to be exactly what Southwest Airlines were recorded as. Could this be a Snopes candidate?

  • Veeshir

    Pretty funny. Very Southwestesque. I used to fly them a lot and they definitely had a sense of humor. It always made me laugh.
    I even laughed when the black ladies sued over the flight attendants saying, “Eenie meenie mynie moe, pick a seat we gotta go”. I mostly laughed cuz they (the uptight passengers) lost.

    I used to take a boat from Alexandria, VA to the Nats baseball stadium. It was just a baseball trip, one time there and they left 20 minutes after the last pitch.

    On one trip the boat hit the pier HARD! There was a very loud “screeeeeech”.
    As we got off, the capt was always there to thank us, one guy said, “You gonna have that fixed before we get back?”

  • Veeshir

    Snopes says it’s real, they have some good pics of that plane “Flying 101”

    with this vid

    Kind of funny.

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