A few months ago I received a rather nice postcard from the *ahem*
Breast Clinic Women’s Imaging Center here, letting me know it was time for my mammogram. Being a member of the military, I had to book my appointment well in advance. Eleven weeks, to be exact.
Anyway, on the reminder card for the visit there were several precautions you must observe when going in for your squishathon.
No body lotions.
So far this is fine with me. Even though I *heart* perfume, I generally do not wear it. And with two dogs that enjoy licking every surface around here, I usually pass on the lotion until bedtime. Then came the most reprehensible command known to woman:
NO DEODORANT OR ANTI-PERSPIRANT OF ANY KIND.
The thermostat that day read 102*. It read 107* in the van. It could be 5000* for all I cared. I was going to be driving 30 minutes to the hospital, parking in the lot closest to Egypt, and walking for eons in infernal temperatures. Great…. I was going into the hospital where people know me and greet me all funkified. Thankfully, the clinic was relatively close to the front of the Outpatient area. I was able to go in without offending anyone.
I check in at the front desk, and go to put on the specially made gown. You know the one….it has three armholes: one arm, then the other, and the final hole goes on the original arm. I’m not explaining it very well, but women know what I’m talking about. In any case, my derriere was covered, and I went to sit to await my turn in a rather empty area. Which made me wonder why I had to book this appointment so far in advance. Soon enough, my name was called, and I followed a very nice tech into the exam room. She turns to get the dreaded BB tape.
Well, this was new. The last time I was assaulted with medical tape, the kind designed to hold I.V. needles in your veins. That was painful to remove, and left residue that was difficult to wash off. She proceeds to place the BBs where they need to go, and is now ready to take the images.
The first views were not so bad. The plate comes straight down and squishes you vertically, first the left, then the right. But then comes the side squishers. And in order to get the best view, the tech has to maneuver your girlfriend into position, by pushing and squeezing her into the area for the overhead plate to press like a olive. Meanwhile, she is telling you to lean back away from the plates, without moving your girlfriend. Soon enough, the imaging is over, and I am free to go. She kindly shows me out, and I proceed to go to the changing room to get my deodorant out of my purse and
bathe in apply it. I look at the BB band-aids in apprehension. The tech had said these were easier to remove than the tape they had used previously. I had my reservations. But like everyone says, rip it off like a band-aid.
The tech lied.
I shut my eyes against the tears, and after getting dressed, I stop at the front desk to inquire about the results. They tell me I should have them in three to seven days, which I thought was a remarkable turn around. That was June 23rd.
I got them yesterday, July 26th.
The tech lied.
I really need to quit being such a Pollyanna 😉