Rats With Better PR

Yesterday afternoon, I went outside to water the flowers, praying that I wouldn’t end up murdering them yet again it would rain, since it was overcast and that would save me from having to roll out the sprinkler. I…..don’t have the best luck with plants. Except my hostas, which weirdly are freakishly huge under the tree.

I guess they thrive on ignorance and neglect.

Anyway, I go get the garden hose, and turn to talk to my calla lily. She hasn’t deserted me, either. Again, ignorance and neglect. I give her a good drink of water, and then turn to the marigolds in the bright teacup style pot, only to find broken leaves, snapped heads, and a mess of dirt. Why? Because some squirrel decided that was where he had hidden his treasure trove of acorns.

Seems legit.

Normally I am not one to get upset over something so small. But they had done it to the newly planted petunias out front, which were BRAND FREAKING NEW AND HAD NO ACORNS IN THE DIRT!! So of course, I snapped.

Me: STAY OUT OF MY POTTED PLANTS, YOU INSIPID BAG OF MANGY FUR!!

Squirrel: *looks at me from the fence edge*

Me: YES, YOU!! I CATCH YOU AROUND MY PLANTS AGAIN, AND I WILL MAKE STEW OUT OF YOUR HIDE!!

Neighbor: Hey Aggie*. How’s…. your day?

Me: Uh, Hey! Just…fine… watering plants.

Neighbor: Need a shotgun?

Me: I’m on it.

Neighbor: I didn’t hear a thing.

Me: I owe you.

I don’t like squirrels, as you can probably surmise. I don’t care that they have bushy tails, or cute little hands (which have nasty claws), or cheeky pouches. Screw that. I think they are nasty little birdseed thieves who conspire to wreak havoc on the roads and make your plants wither and die.

It’s a good thing I was defrosting chicken, because stew sounded pretty good right then

I’m Officially a Cantankerous Old Lady

And I am being kind.

Yesterday, I was outside trimming the dead branches off my Pride of Barbados shrubs, bushes….whatever they are. They are supposed to grow to six feet, and mine are ten feet tall. Yes, I need a stepstool. Anyway, I was off in my little world of garden beautification when I hear kids walking into the cul-de-sac. Normally this is fine, but I know the kids around here are all gone for vacation somewhere. So I turn to look and see that they are walking up the sidewalk, tossing a football back and forth. “How cool,” I think to myself. I like to see kids being active.

And then the coolness factor stopped when they got on my crappy lawn to throw the football on a long pass!!!

Me: Excuse me, but you are on the lawn.

Kid #1: We are throwing a football.

Me: I see that, but you need to respect people’s property.

Kid #2: It’s just a football, man.

Me: That’s “Lady”, and GET OFF MY LAWN!!

The only thing missing was my shotgun.

The machete may have intimidated them, though. Now, I am not one to freak out if someone is on my crappy lawn, ok? The kids around the cul-de-sac have come and gone with their skateboards, bikes, rollerblades, whatever. But they had asked if it was ok. These kids took it for granted that the whole place was their playing field, and that is just wrong. Respect for other people’s property is something we were taught as kids. I get the vibe some of us are slacking off in teaching that lesson.

Now, I’m off to go dig some holes for yet another Pride of Barbados and a few Lumbagos. I can’t seem to kill those. If I start yelling at the birds to get off my lawn, I’ll know I have a problem